Damned Transmigration - Chapter 68

WeTried Translations

Translator: Joy

Editor: Joy

◈ Damned Transmigration ◈

Chapter 68: Despair

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A few years ago, Elena Heinderga had lived diligently.

She lived alone in this mansion then, just as she did now, but back then, Elena had a firm routine. She went to sleep at a set time and woke at a set time every day.

After the days of living alone had passed and a housemate moved into the mansion, she became even more devoted to that routine than she had been before. Life with her housemate was enjoyable.

She liked waking up and exchanging greetings. Breakfasts they shared were pleasant. Coming home from the Mage Tower to have dinner, and sometimes, when the mood struck, sharing a light drink while chatting about trivial things...

“...”

Elena caught hold of her mind as it tried to drown itself in a past that had already passed two years ago.

Remembering those days was terrible and painful for Elena. The more she thought about them, the further she sank without end.

Her throbbing headache worsened. If the earlier pain had felt like needles occasionally pricking into her brain, this one felt as though something sharp as a razor blade were scraping across its surface.

It was a persistent headache, born from the hangover clinging to her after the alcohol she had poured down her throat the day before, and from her unstable state of mind. Elena grabbed her dishevelled hair and groaned before finally lifting her head.

The light streaming through the gap in the closed curtains was far too bright. To Elena now, that kind of light brought nothing but irritation and anguish.

‘This won’t do.’

She had left the curtains alone until now, but she could not bear it anymore. After all, there was no longer a woman who would come into the living room, throw the curtains open and windows wide, then nag at her.

Elena steadied her breathing.

The past.

Back when she was not afraid of sleep and instead looked forward to the next morning, she had lived with the living room curtains thrown wide open. She felt warmth in the light filling the room through the large windows, and freshness in the breeze that seeped in when she opened them.

‘No.’

Throb.

Her headache worsened. Elena bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut.

‘Don’t think about the old days.’

She resented the mind that kept recalling the past against her will, even though she did not want to be conscious of it.

“Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think...”

Elena held her throbbing head in both hands and repeated the words as though hypnotising herself.

This simple muttering was remarkably effective. After she kept at it for a long while, the headache eased somewhat, and thoughts of the past no longer came to mind.

In the end, she had to immerse herself in something. She had to turn her mind away from the things it recalled on its own, things she did not want to remember.

That was why Elena feared the time before sleep the most.

She had tried forcing herself to sleep with magic, but magic that affected the mind was difficult to handle and came with considerable side effects.

No matter how much she put it off, the time always came when she had to sleep. The moment came when she had to lie on a bed or sofa, close her eyes, and wait to fall asleep.

Then, her mind would not obey her. It would think whatever it pleased and create anxiety and depression...

She was similarly afraid of the mornings when she woke up. There was that gap before her hazy mind fully awakened. Even though the things she needed to do that day were clear, she feared the thought that she had woken up again. Having woken up, she feared the fact that she would have to sleep again someday.

“Don’t think...”

For Elena, who had become like this, that simple self-suggestion had turned into a ritual. Only after repeating it dozens of times did she feel as though her mind had woken up.

Elena steadied her breathing once more and opened her eyes.

First, she waved a finger at the slightly parted curtains. A formula formed immediately and activated the magic. The gap in the curtains remained, but no more light streamed through it. Just as she had intended, she had enchanted the window itself.

The curtains, which were no longer needed, opened wide. The sun was already high outside, but the window no longer showed the view beyond it. Instead, it was filled with dull darkness.

Elena stared blankly at it, then waved her finger again. The darkness rippled slightly, and sparkling points embroidered the upper portion like stars. Once she had recreated something roughly resembling a night sky, absurd as it was, her mind felt a little more at ease.

Whoosh...

Soft lights came on in the dark living room. Only then did Elena let out a deep sigh and raise herself from where she had been lying.

In a mood like this, she needed to do something, and fortunately, there were things that needed doing right in front of her.

The alcohol-soaked carpet looked as though blood had been spilled over it, but with a single outstretched finger, the alcohol that had seeped into it rose in droplets.

Pop, pop.

Elena evaporated the gathered alcohol in midair, then cast magic on the carpet again. It became fluffy and dry as though it were brand-new.

Next, Elena extended a finger toward the liquor bottles scattered around the table.

She had not originally enjoyed drinking.

It had begun when she accepted a drink at Orca’s recommendation. After that, she only drank a few glasses when she was in a setting where alcohol was expected.

Even so, she always kept several bottles at home. Even if she had no intention of drinking them, simply having alcohol in the house made her feel better.

When her housemate had been here...

“Don’t think.”

Elena muttered again and gathered the bottles in one place.

There were several reasons she began drinking every day after her guard left. There was nothing to do when she came home. She wanted to turn her mind away from the thoughts it brought up on its own. Falling asleep was painful and frightening.

There were spells that stabilised an unsettled mind, but after trying several things, she found drinking better in the sense that it gave her something to do.

‘What a mess.’

Even now, the living room was a mess. When her housemate and Haryeong had been here...

“Don’t think.”

The bodies of high-tier martial artists and mages did not get drunk easily, but if they did not consciously suppress it, they could become as drunk as they wished.

Elena liked the moment when, as she drank, her mind gradually grew hazy and her anxiety and depression slowly faded.

‘What should I do today...?’

The living room was clean. There was nothing left that she needed to do. Magical research? Reading?

‘Go out?’

Alone? Where?

Unfortunately, Elena did not have many friends. The only people in Rutlan she could say she was close to were her master, Orca, and her senior, Lacey.

But she did not want to see them. It was not that the two made her uncomfortable. It was simply Elena’s nature. She was used to being alone, and being alone was comfortable.

Yet now, she was being destroyed by the loneliness that had been born after the solitude she once enjoyed had twisted into something else.

‘Alone...’

Should she eat out? Or take a walk? Go to the theatre and watch a performance? Alone? Or should she start drinking alone from now...

As such thoughts continued, she twisted and pulled at her tangled hair with her fingers.

In the end, she decided to go to the Dersia Mage Tower.

“Aren’t you overdoing it?”

That was what Lacey had told her yesterday.

“It’s good that you work hard, but you look far too precarious right now. So, Elena, promise me. Once a week, do nothing at all. Just laze around at home and relax. Alright?”

“You’ve been staying at the Mage Tower for several days already, haven’t you? Um, I’m not saying that’s wrong. When I’m able to focus, I also stay at the tower because even the time spent going home feels wasteful. And I don’t mind that you drink at the Mage Tower. It’s your room, after all. It’s not as though you get drunk and cause a scene.”

“Still, Elena, go home today and get plenty of rest. Draw a warm bath, add a prettily coloured, fragrant bath additive, have a delicious dinner, and sleep well. Or, would you like to have dinner with me?”

They had been words full of consideration.

Elena had not refused. Yesterday, they went to a restaurant Lacey frequented, had dinner together, shared a few light drinks, and then Elena returned home.

What had they talked about? They had lightly complained about how mean their master was. They had also talked a great deal about the magic Elena had been researching lately.

“That was fun.”

“Elena, don’t come to the Mage Tower tomorrow. Rest well at home, alright?”

‘You only say that because you don’t know me, senior.’

Doing nothing and resting at home was the most painful thing for Elena.

She tore off the hair she had twisted around her fingers and headed for the bathroom.

After bathing, she dried her hair and body with magic, then roughly combed her hair.

Snap. Snap.

Her brittle hair broke every time she ran the comb through it.

Her bangs, which she had not cut in a long time, covered her face. Elena roughly swept them aside and stood before the mirror.

Her hair reached her thighs. Her skin was pale like that of a sick person, dark circles dulled her face, and her body was so thin that her ribs showed.

Elena stared blankly at herself, then gave a dry laugh.

“I look like a corpse.”

After getting dressed and pulling a robe over her clothes, she pulled the hood low over her head.

The sun shone fiercely outside the mansion.

Elena hated the current season.

It was hot, sticky, humid, and the sunlight was too bright.

She hated summer because it reminded her of two years ago.

* * *

Though it was well past noon, mages lived by a different clock from everyone else.

For Elena, it was morning, not long after waking up. For another mage, it could be night, a time when they were enduring sleepiness. For yet another, it could be lunchtime, when they were easing their hunger.

The first floor of the Mage Tower was where mages living by their own different schedules gathered to talk and socialise.

The forms of address that maintained a proper distance were senior and junior. Once people grew closer, they used given names or familial terms for older siblings.

For Elena, no form of address existed except senior.

“So...”

The ordinary conversation abruptly stopped.

Elena, who had just entered through the door, tilted her head at the sudden silence.

The scene on the first floor of the Mage Tower, where she had arrived alone, was the same as usual and yet different. It was not new for the other mages to watch their words around Elena, who was called Mad Thunder and had changed from how she once was, but the other mages’ wariness was especially pronounced today.

“What?”

Usually, she would have let it pass, but she was in an especially poor mood today. Besides, this was worse than usual. They had been chatting away in the open first-floor lounge, only to clamp their mouths shut and glance her way the instant she entered. It was excessively rude.

Chewing a long, bland, meal-replacement biscuit, Elena frowned and glared at the mages in the lounge.

“Were you talking about me? Why are you watching me instead of continuing what you were saying?”

Most of the mages gathered in the lounge were of a lower tier than Elena.

Elena was no longer young at the Dersia Mage Tower. There was no need for her to use formal speech.

There were mages older than Elena who had entered the tower before her, but Elena did not consider them her seniors. Why should she treat as seniors those whose only claim to being ahead of her was time?

“So you really were talking about me? Instead of wasting time on that, you should study magic some more...”

“Do not jump to conclusions.”

Arist rose from a table where several people had gathered.

“Oh my, ‘Senior’ Arist? You’re still at the Mage Tower?”

Elena’s lips twisted.

Arist Benharman had remained at the fourth tier for years, unable to reach the fifth tier. She was no longer someone Elena needed to call senior.

Still, Elena always called Arist senior. It was not because she respected Arist. She went out of her way to use the title because she knew Arist’s emotions boiled every time she heard it.

“Whenever I see you, senior, I think you are truly amazing. You are clinging to the illusion of talent you do not possess and wasting your days away. It is something I could never do.”

At the mocking words, Arist’s face twisted. She clenched her luxurious purple robe and glared at Elena. Elena’s lips twisted a little further beneath that sharp glare.

Arist’s appearance was beautifully maintained. Her neatly manicured nails were painted, and she wore bright red lipstick, makeup, extravagant earrings, a necklace, bracelets, and rings.

The sight only added fuel to Elena’s irritation.

“If you lack talent, it would be better to put in more time and effort. Ah, I think I understand why you have not returned to the Benharman Family. You are planning to meet a man in Rutlan, are you not?”

“A man?”

Arist’s lips twisted. She crumpled the newspaper in her hand and flung it toward Elena.

However, the paper Arist threw could not reach Elena. It stopped rigidly in midair.

“What is this? Are you asking for a fight?”

“As if. It is not as though I could defeat the great Mad Thunder.”

Arist snorted and extended a finger, intending to unfold the newspaper stopped in front of Elena.

“...”

She wanted to, but the crumpled newspaper did not unfold. It remained stopped before Elena exactly as it was.

Arist’s eyes trembled slightly. She poured more soul power into her mana, but the newspaper suspended in midair did not move in the slightest.

“What is it?”

Elena asked with a crooked smile.

Arist gritted her teeth as sweat streamed down her face. Unlike Arist, who was concentrating so intensely on exerting her power, Elena’s expression did not shift at all.

“Now you’re finally worth looking at.”

Only after Arist’s makeup ran with sweat did Elena withdraw her power.

The backlash from the release of the tension holding the newspaper in place made Arist stagger as she sucked in a breath.

Fortunately, Arist did not make the unsightly spectacle of collapsing on the spot, but her face flushed red with rising humiliation. Arist forced her ragged breathing under control and glared at Elena.

“Are you curious what we were talking about before you came?”

A sneer appeared on the face that had been twisted with shame and humiliation. Thinking of the expression Elena would soon wear, Arist considered the insult and disgrace she had just suffered a cheap price to pay.

“See for yourself.”

The still-crumpled newspaper slowly unfolded.

Wondering what this was all about, Elena looked at the newspaper.

That was the front-page headline.

Elena was dumbfounded. That Sword Dragon of the Orsia Family?

She had never met him, but she had heard plenty about him. He was the grandson of the Sword Emperor, considered the finest among the young generation of martial artists. Elena and Sword Dragon moved in different circles, but because they were the same age, people often mentioned them together.

Many even paired them together simply because Sword Dragon was male and Elena was female. Hearing people call her a destined match with someone she had never even met made her sick, but there was never a shortage of people in this world willing to spout nonsense as they pleased.

“What in the...”

What was this supposed to mean? Why was she being shown this newspaper, and what did it have to do with the silence and the way everyone had been watching her earlier?

“...are you doing?”

As Elena scanned the article, her face stiffened.

<...Thus, Sword Dragon fought the Bishop alongside the Young Cult Leader of the Demonic Cult, Thunder Cloud, and Dark Blossom...>

<Furthermore, according to information obtained, Thunder Cloud is a childhood friend of ‘Marigold’ Elena Heinderga, who could be called the most famous of the young mages...>

There was more beneath the miscellaneous text about the Young Cult Leader of the Demonic Cult, but Elena could not see any of it.

Crackle!

Lightning leapt through the air and turned the newspaper to black ash. Even afterward, the current did not disappear.

Crackle, crackle...!

Currents seethed around the deathly pale Elena.

Ever since she reached the fifth tier, her emotions had not caused electrical currents to flare. Now, however, her emotions were violent enough that even Elena could not control them.

“I think I will go find Yuri-nim.”

Several months ago.

Those were the words Haryeong had spoken on the day before she left.

“Would you like to come with me to look for Yuri-nim?”

‘Don’t think.’

Elena’s wish mixed with the voice circling in her mind, but her thoughts did not stop.

“My lady.”

“Will you not regret it?”

“Perhaps Yuri-nim, too, Lady Elena...”

‘Don’t think.’

Her head did not merely feel as though a razor were scraping across it. It felt as though something were repeatedly stabbing into her brain and cutting through it.

‘Don’t think.’

Elena tore at her hair, gasping for breath.

Footnotes:

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