WeTried Translations
Translator/Editor: Alyo
Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried
◈ Surviving Among the Anomalies ◈
Chapter 50: Homunculus
──────
I searched the internet for a Homunculus recipe.
[That’s correct, Alchemist!]
[Wow! You know about Homunculi!]
[King Bradley is fucking cool!]
[Ouroboros!]
The first results were about comics.
Homunculi and alchemy were such distinctive concepts that the comic built around them was quite popular.
“In this case, it’s not the subject matter. The comic itself is just a masterpiece.”
It was only fantasy, and the story had never revealed a recipe for making Homunculi, so I ruled it out.
‘Next is Paracelsus’s Homunculus recipe.’
The recipe of the most famous alchemist to have lived during the Middle Ages, when alchemy was in full bloom, and the first person to formulate the theory of Homunculi, went as follows.
[1. Mix male semen with horse dung.]
[2. Place it in a sealed container and let it rot for forty days at a temperature equal to a horse’s body heat.]
[3. If successful, a tiny human will form inside.]
[4. Feed the tiny human blood and raise it.]
Of course, I didn’t think this was a real recipe. If Homunculi could be made this way, the world would be overflowing with tiny humans whispering truths.
“But you never know.”
Perhaps some crucial ingredient had failed to be passed down through the generations, making it impossible to create one.
“The Forgotten Alchemist’s Potion Belt might be able to provide that ingredient.”
That was all the information I had for now, so I set out to gather the materials.
[Experiment & Research General Market]
First, I ordered several tools, including a sealable flask.
‘This should do.’
Next, I boarded the subway early in the morning to find horse dung.
‘Horse dung comes from horses.’
There was no need to go all the way to Jeju Island. There were places on the mainland where I could see horses too.
[The next station is Racecourse Park Station, Racecourse Park Station.]
A place inhabited by popular horses that people loved with wild enthusiasm.
‘There sure are a lot of people.’
I arrived at the racetrack. Some had come to watch the races, while others were there to pass the time with their families.
“I wish Korea would make a horse-racing pretty-girl game like Uma Musume.”
“A horse-racing pretty-girl game? That’s a three-hit combo of gambling, anime, and games. They’d get dragged into hearings and beaten down once a month.”
I ignored the racetrack and headed for the stables. There were many people around, but I used my enhanced senses to slip past their notice, then collected plenty of horse dung in the food container I had brought.
‘This should be enough, right?’
After returning home, I prepared the final ingredient.
“I can use my own semen.”
Two days later, the experimental tools I had ordered arrived. I put the horse dung into a sealable flask and added the semen I had prepared beforehand.
“There’s one problem.”
It needed to rot for forty days, which meant waiting forty days.
‘Isn’t there a good way to shorten the time?’
＊＊＊
“It’s been a while, Mr. Lee Seung-hoon.”
Inside a neat office, I met once more with the man whose facial features could not be made out.
“Yes, it has been a while.”
“I heard you’ve been busy lately.”
He was a Suit from Golden Omnipotence Corporation.
“That’s how things turned out. I wanted to live as leisurely as possible, but isn’t life more likely to go against your wishes?”
“That’s what makes life interesting.”
After some small talk, I asked him a question.
“Do you have information on Anomalies that accelerate a target’s time?”
“There are sixteen in total.”
“Of those, how many would be easy for me to acquire directly and cost under ten tons of gold?”
“Three.”
“I’d like to know their names and prices.”
“The 「WK Toy Clock」 costs 9.5 tons of gold, the 「Spacetime Fragment of a Ruined Dimension」 costs 5 tons of gold, and lastly, the 「Mr. Ando Chef’s Fermentation Jar」 costs 3 tons of gold.”
I heard two familiar names.
‘If it’s WK, it must be the company that made the WK Special Tumbler. And Mr. Ando Chef must be the chef who developed that all-purpose sauce before.’
They said the former operated a fast-food restaurant, but since a toy clock had appeared, I assumed it was either a promotional giveaway like the tumbler or a sprawling company that also operated toy stores.
‘Ando Chef seems like an exceptional chef, on the level of an Anomaly, who can create Derived Anomalies.’
Which of the three best suited my situation?
“I’ll take Mr. Ando Chef’s Fermentation Jar.”
The WK Toy Clock was a toy, so I didn’t trust it. The Spacetime Fragment of a Ruined Dimension sounded too large in scale to handle easily, making the jar the right choice.
“Then I’ll confirm the payment.”
“Here it is.”
“Oh, wow! Oh, wow!”
I took three tons of gold out of the Void Pocket. The Suit threw himself onto the pile of gold bars with a happier expression than I had ever seen on him.
“Yes! Golden swimming! Golden hug!”
“Then please give me the information.”
“Yes.”
The jar’s location entered my mind.
“There’s one more thing I’d like to buy.”
“What is it?”
“A recipe for making Homunculi. How much is it?”
The Suit answered.
“One trillion tons of gold.”
＊＊＊
I bought Mr. Ando Chef’s Fermentation Jar from a secondhand dealer who ran a small shop in Suncheon.
“Dunno what brand it is, but it’s probably Chinese. You sure you’re okay with this thing?”
“Yes, it’s fine.”
The jar was a mechanical container made of plastic.
[Until the day everyone in the world enjoys gourmet food.]
[Mr. Ando takes responsibility for your kitchen.]
Two lines were engraved on the jar’s surface.
[HAPPY]
Below them was a logo of a pig dressed as a chef, winking and stretching out a hand holding a spatula while shouting, “HAPPY.”
‘The controls are simple.’
There were only four buttons: one to set the temperature, one to determine how much time would pass inside over one hour, one to start it, and one to lock the container’s lid.
‘The time is set by turning a dial.’
As soon as I got home, I began the experiment. I put the already mixed materials into the flask, sealed it, placed it inside Mr. Ando Chef’s Fermentation Jar, and set the time.
[Temperature: 38.2 degrees]
[Time: 40 days]
When I pressed the start button, a cheerful melody flowed from the mechanical jar.
[Ando Ando Ando, our Ando! Chef Ando takes care of your table!]
[Ando, the greatest che~f in the world! Anyone who eats Ando’s cooking falls completely in love!]
[Ando Ando Ando, who cooks anything at all! If Ando cooks it, even bricks go yum yum!]
[Human stew, Demonkind fritters, elf skewers, orc steak tartare, dwa~rf boiled pork!]
[When A~ndo cooks, anyone can polish off a bowl of rice in no time!]
[Gourmets throughout the world all love him!]
An hour later, the repetitive song ended and the lid unlocked.
“...Amazing.”
If it hadn’t been a sealed flask, the smell alone would have devastated my living room.
‘I should do this outside.’
After going into the yard, I opened the sealed container. The stench from the flask spread through the garden like a biological weapon.
‘Would an Enhancement Potion work?’
I immediately poured in an Enhancement Potion.
“!?”
At that moment, the flask shattered. I closed my eyes briefly against the glass shards scattering in every direction, then opened them to find a new life-form before me.
“What are you looking at?”
A squat earthworm the size of a loaf of bread.
“Hey, I’m hungry.”
Then the thing with a human face ordered me around.
“Bring me an apple.”
＊＊＊
“Come on, I said give me an apple.”
I returned to the living room with the thing that might or might not have been a Homunculus.
“You want an apple? Not my blood?”
“Blood? I’m not a vampire. Why would I eat blood?”
“I heard Homunculi live on human blood.”
Even after looking again, it was something like a thick, short earthworm the size of a loaf of bread, with the face of a cynical middle-aged man in his forties.
“That’s a normal Homunculus. Do I look normal to you?”
“This is my first time seeing a Homunculus, so I wouldn’t know.”
“Obviously I’m abnormal! Where have you ever seen a Homunculus that looks like this?”
He denied that he was a Homunculus.
“Golden Omnipotence Corporation told you too, didn’t they? If you want to know how to make a Homunculus, you need one trillion tons of gold. That’s how valuable the recipe is, yet you thought you could make one with information you found by clicking around online? Isn’t that a little too greedy?”
“No, but I did hope the belt’s power might make it possible.”
Still, his knowledge was incredible.
“Good grief, your hopes got a little too high. Sorry a thing like me was born. More importantly, where’s my apple?”
“Should I go buy one?”
“No, there are apples left in the second compartment from the bottom of the refrigerator. You bought them two days ago at the traditional market, a bag on clearance for ten thousand won. Those will do.”
It was as though he possessed all the knowledge in the world.
“You know a lot.”
“I’m not a Homunculus, but I do know the truth.”
When I brought him an apple, he opened his mouth.
“Feed me a little, would you? My hands are like this.”
“You know movies too?”
“I’ve never watched one, but I know about them. Ah, hurry up and feed me. I don’t have hands, so I can’t eat by myself.”
“Fine.”
He ate the apple quickly.
“Ah, so this is what apples taste like?”
“I thought you knew every truth?”
“There’s a difference as vast as heaven and earth between knowing something and experiencing it.”
“That’s true.”
He ate everything, including the core and seeds, then rolled around happily.
“Anyway, thanks for feeding me. I’m stuffed now. In return, I’ll answer anything you’re curious about.”
I had thought he would be too cynical to talk to, but he was unexpectedly cooperative.
“Do you know every truth?”
“Yeah.”
“Then what was there before the universe was born?”
“Don’t know.”
“You said you knew everything.”
“I know it, but I have to pull that knowledge out. Bringing knowledge out is, how should I put it, like how you people know how to lose weight but don’t do it.”
“So it’s bothersome.”
“Put another way, it’s like knowing how to get into Seoul National University but never doing it.”
“So it’s really bothersome.”
He was unexpectedly cute too.
“Through truth, you should be able to find out what kind of being you are. Tell me.”
“I’m exactly what I look like. A flawed Homunculus born through a flawed method. That’s me.”
“So you are a Homunculus after all.”
But our time together was destined to be short.
“What’s your lifespan?”
“One week. Then I die.”
“You can only live that long?”
“What more do you expect from a flawed life-form born from a mixture of semen and horse dung? Aren’t you being too greedy?”
Even so, I found myself liking...
“Aren’t you afraid? Of death?”
“Not at all. How I was born and how I die are completely unimportant. I can’t decide my birth, and whatever happens after I die has nothing to do with me.”
His.
“What matters is how one lives. If I can live my remaining week more meaningfully than someone who will live for a hundred years, wouldn’t that alone make it a worthwhile life?”
No, the attitude he held toward life.
“Don’t you think so too?”
“I do.”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
He rolled over and settled onto my knee.
“Let’s go.”
I held him in my arms.
“It’s time to make my life worthwhile.”
As I headed outside, I asked him.
“What should I call you?”
He answered.
“Just call me Homun.”
It was a cynical but kind answer.
“I’ll only use the name for a week, so that’s good enough.”
＊＊＊
“Let’s take a taxi. There are too many eyes on the subway.”
“Other people’s gazes bother you?”
“Not at all. I hate crowds because there are too many smells. My nose is a little sensitive.”
We took a taxi to the place he told me about.
“Please take us to Bongcheon-dong.”
“Ho ho, certainly.”
The taxi driver kept glancing at Homun while driving, looking curious. Homun tactfully said nothing until we arrived.
“Then take care.”
“Yes, thank you. Oh, but sir, that doll is really unusual.”
“I’m not a doll.”
Only after we reached our destination did Homun open his mouth.
“Hong Cheol-jung! Are you still going in and out of gambling dens!? Your mother begged you over and over not to gamble! I’ll chop your damn hand off! Are you going to quit right now or not!? Huh!?”
“Eek!”
Startled, the taxi driver sped away in a panic.
“What was that just now?”
“That driver keeps gambling away all their money at gambling dens. It’s been getting worse lately, so they were going to clean out even their children’s tuition accounts soon.”
“Will they stop now?”
“How should I know? I may know the truth, but human madness is beyond knowing.”
Following Homun’s instructions, I found a small used-computer shop in Bongcheon-dong.
“There.”
“What’s there?”
“An Anomaly that will destroy human society.”
“But...”
Homun snorted.
“Sephirot isn’t omnipotent. Go inside first.”
Following his words, I entered the shop.
“Welcome, sir! What are you looking for?”
“I’ll look through them one by one and let you know.”
The owner hovered around for quite a while, but I fell silent as I looked through the computers one by one. Before long, the owner backed off with, “Let me know when you’re done looking.”
“Hmm.”
As I examined the used computers carefully, I stopped in front of an old, outdated computer.
“What do you think?”
It was an all-in-one computer with the monitor, main unit, keyboard, and mouse all connected together.
The moment I saw it, my right eye activated.
“Can you see it?”
“Yeah, I can.”
“See? I was right.”
“You were right, but...”
I saw a future for humanity that Sephirot had failed to prevent.
“Someone might like a future like this.”
Footnotes:
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