WETRIED TRANSLATIONS

The Wizard in the Poncho

[Translator – Aren]

Chapter 47 - A Fair Watch Rotation

In the end, Lee Sejun’s sentence of permanent night watch duty fell apart.

Despite reaching Heart-branch, Stage 3, Lee Sejun vehemently rejected the idea of noblesse oblige. To this selfish bastard, his own mental well-being was clearly more important than letting the other four of us enjoy a good night’s sleep.

Sweeping a murderous glare across all of us, Lee Sejun declared firmly,

"The moment you make me permanent night watch, I’ll show you exactly what I’m capable of.”

"And what exactly is that?”

The terrifying warning I received in response to my mocking tone was the following:

"I’ll spend 24 hours straight chewing and swallowing food until my stomach’s full, and then, while you’re all asleep, I’ll squat over your faces and dump it all on you.”

"!"

Lee Sejun… I’d started suspecting something back when he kept going on about wanting to become a cute TS anime girl.

But damn, did this bastard have no sense of shame whatsoever?

Cold sweat trickled down my back as I exchanged glances with Hamza, Shin Nain, and Pastor Park Yohan. The other three also seemed to hesitate in the face of Lee Sejun’s extreme resistance.

"Sejun-ssi’s pushing back pretty hard, huh?”

At my remark, the three of them slowly nodded with grave expressions.

"I never would’ve guessed it, but Lee Sejun’s got some real guts. This won’t be easy.”

"I’m scared. I don’t want to wake up covered in poop.”

"Sejun-ssi is completely serious. How terrifying. To think he’d throw away even his dignity just to avoid permanent night watch.”

Shin Nain’s testimony confirmed the worst. Lee Sejun wasn’t bluffing.

That bastard was genuinely insane. I’d lived 28 years, and this was the first time I’d ever met someone willing to threaten people with his own bowel movements just because he didn’t want to stay awake around the clock. Naturally, public opinion among the Supreme Archmages shifted immediately.

The only remaining problem was deciding how to choose the watch schedule.

Until now we’d settled it with rock-paper-scissors against Shin Nain. The problem was, playing rock-paper-scissors against a mind reader was impossible. Even if you deliberately tried to act on pure instinct to avoid having your thoughts read, you still couldn’t beat him.

Because Shin Nain did not merely read minds. His instincts were absurdly sharp as well.

After losing 10 consecutive games of rock-paper-scissors for watch duty, I’d finally realized something. The reason this bastard usually acted oblivious wasn’t because he lacked social awareness. He just didn’t give a damn. So far I’d only lost the first watch once, but how many more first watches was I going to be forced to give up on?

We had to fix the system now.

The three of us immediately united under the glorious banner of democracy.

"Let’s just rotate shifts fairly. Take turns doing the first and last watch.”

"That sounds good. Baek Jemin’s right.”

"Fairness is a virtue praised by the Sunnah.”

It was a historic moment. A reasonable citizen, a Christian pastor, and a Muslim foreign worker united in perfect agreement.

Unfortunately, the fiercest opposition to this historic coalition came from none other than the Shitmaster and religious lunatic, Shin Nain.

Shaking his head slowly, he began calmly spouting complete nonsense again.

"The people of Israel wandered the wilderness while suffering persecution from countless others simply because they were few in number. Of course, the fundamental reason was their failure to properly serve the Lord, but mere numbers do not determine righteousness. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah proves that.”

"So?”

"Let’s settle it fairly with rock-paper-scissors or flip a coin Up-Down Ddaedenjji¹.”

"Hey, you son of a bitch. What if we refuse?”

"I shall skillfully lead all of you with carefully crafted questions until your vilest and most shameful memories are laid bare for everyone to hear. For those who neither live righteously nor repent, the truth revealed in the Lord’s name is exactly what they need. Amen!”

Shin Nain’s threat was every bit as terrifying.

As for me, Baek Jemin, an upstanding and law-abiding citizen, I didn’t have anything more to lose since my darkest secret had already been exposed ages ago.

Back in elementary school, thanks to shitty people like Shin Nain, every stall in the bathroom had been occupied, leaving me with no choice but to poop in a urinal. That shameful crime had already become public knowledge.

Of course, there was a heartwarming epilogue to that incident.

Feeling guilty for the poor cleaning-duty student who had to clean up after me, I secretly bought them a chocolate cream horn pastry. This absolutely was not something I just made up on the spot. It was simply a touching detail I’d only now remembered.

Not everyone, however, had lived such a spotless life with only tiny flecks of dirt on their conscience.

Even Pastor Park Yohan and Hamza wilted beneath Shin Nain’s merciless pressure.

"Ears-branch magic really is terrifying.”

"Oh, Allah.”

Only Lee Sejun, who’d been watching this whole discussion with his arms crossed, merely scoffed.

"Go ahead, Shin Nain-ssi. As long as I have a dream, no amount of shame can break the proud spirit of Lee Sejun.”

"To think I’d live to witness such revolting aspirations. Lord God, please grant me the strength to endure this trial…”

Even Shin Nain could only groan in defeat before Lee Sejun’s unwavering confidence.

At that moment, I found myself sympathizing with Shin Nain. Granted, both Shin Nain and Lee Sejun were enemies of my precious sleep schedule.

But after being forced to hear far more details than I ever wanted about Lee Sejun’s dream, I couldn’t help feeling a strange sympathy for ShinNain, who had to hear those thoughts without even the filter of spoken language through this Ears-branch magic.

At this rate, I might actually end up taking Shin Nain’s side. The realization filled me with profound humiliation. No matter how empathetic I might be, I never imagined I’d find myself sympathizing with that fanatical lunatic Shitmaster.

So I decided to change the subject and put Lee Sejun on the spot instead.

"Sejun-ssi, then what are you even going to use it for if you don’t erase your need for sleep? We should figure out what the backlashes are if you erase one of your urges in the first place.”

So far, these were the backlashes we’d discovered for each branch of magic.

Eyes-branch magic. Your eyes would hurt like absolute hell. It felt as if someone were scrubbing your eyeballs with plastic wrap or washing them with shampoo.

Hand-branch magic. You had to bleed.

Ears-branch magic. If you lost concentration, you were forced to hear every surrounding sound.

Tongue-branch magic. The taste buds on your tongue split apart until it started bleeding.

Only Heart-branch magic seemed to have no obvious penalties. Since I was now convinced there was no such thing as magic without a price, it only made sense that Lee Sejun’s Heart-branch magic, Stage 3, had one as well.

Of course, I guess its cost was probably gentler than the others’.

At that moment, Pastor Park Yohan suddenly snapped his fingers, his eyes lighting up.

"Sejun-ssi, why don’t you erase your sex drive? Then you won’t keep talking about wanting to become a woman.”

I blinked, then clapped my hands together.

Right.

Now that I thought about it, that wasn’t a bad idea.

Shin Nain and Hamza seemed just as delighted.

"Not bad.”

"That’s actually a wonderful idea. This Korean Christian imam is truly wise.”

As expected of Pastor Park, an excellent suggestion.”

Even if we ended up brushing the watch rotation issue aside, this honestly felt like the best possible ending for everyone.

“Tsk, tsk.”

Then someone clicked their tongue. The culprit was Heart-branch wizard Lee Sejun.

With his arms still folded, he slowly wagged the index finger of his left hand, looking down at us as though we were a classroom full of idiots who’d barely scraped the bottom of the grading curve.

The look was one I hadn’t seen since the day I showed my English teacher the mock exam where I’d honestly earned a rock-bottom English grade without guessing a single answer.

With the patience of a man forced to explain basic arithmetic to children, Lee Sejun calmly addressed the pastor.

"Pastor. Do you really think my dream of becoming a cute TS anime girl is driven by something as shallow as sexual desire?”

"Isn’t it?”

"Haah~ Pastor. If I wanted to become a cute girl just so I could hook up with guys that would make me gay. Like super gay!”

-Murmur, murmur…

Me, Hamza, Shin Nain, and Pastor Park Yohan.

The four of us exchanged bewildered glances and whispered among ourselves.

Wasn’t wanting to become a cute TS girl already enough to qualify someone as gay?

For the four of us, who had provisionally filed Lee Sejun as “probably gay,” this declaration came as a genuine shock.

Unfazed by the atmosphere, Lee Sejun uncrossed his arms and thumped his chest.

"I don’t want to become a cute TS girl because of some pathetic sexual fantasy. I want it because I crave validation!”

"Isn’t a gay man’s desire of wanting lots of attention from men another form of validation?”

"No!!!”

Pastor Park Yohan’s perfectly reasonable and impeccably timed question was completely overwhelmed by Lee Sejun’s outraged roar.

He lashed out, clearly frustrated.

"I just want people to go nade nade² on my head! I want unconditional praise! Total affirmation! To be told I’m amazing no matter what I do! Nobody does that for some scruffy dude, so naturally I’d rather become a cute TS anime girl! The kind of existence people love and praise even when she’s doing absolutely nothing!”

At those words, understanding finally dawned on both Pastor Park Yohan and Shin Nain.

The faint trace of disgust vanished from their faces, leaving only warm, compassionate smiles.

"Sejun-ssi, then you should come to church. Jesus loves you unconditionally.”

"The moment you come to the Lord, you’ll discover that you were born to be loved.”

"Enough."

If I, Baek Jemin, hadn’t stepped in right then, I didn’t even want to imagine how much more derailed this conversation would’ve become.

Thanks to my firm and decisive intervention, we finally managed to return to the topic of magic. Putting an ex-sergeant covered in body hair whose lifelong dream was becoming a cute TS anime girl together with two religious zealots was simply a recipe for disaster.

The fact that Hamza, the Pakistani medical student turned immigrant laborer, was now the second most normal person in the group after me did not bode well for Aphorism’s future.

Apparently Hamza had reached the same conclusion. His expression had darkened considerably.

"Jemin-ssi, you’re the second most normal person after me. I’m worried about Aphorism.”

"Tell me about it.”

I graciously overlooked Hamza’s slight misunderstanding.

Moments like these were exactly when we needed to stay sharp.

On the 7th floor of the department store, now secured as a safe zone, we resumed our discussion of magic in earnest. Even with the smell of burning corpses slowly drifting up from the lower floors, the Supreme Archmages were perfectly capable of holding a conversation.

It was during that discussion that we finally pieced together the backlash of Heart-branch magic through Lee Sejun.

"I guess my appetite’s been stronger? I’ve definitely been eating more.”

"Come to think of it, Sejun-ssi, you’ve been munching on hardtack every single time I’ve looked at you.”

The stages of Heart-branch magic seemed to work as follows.

Heart-branch magic, Stage 1. One’s metabolism would become absurdly efficient, making one extremely resistant to fatigue.

Heart-branch magic, Stage 2. One’s overall physical abilities improve dramatically, and even your aging slows down.

Heart-branch magic, Stage 3. One of the body’s essential needs or urges can be completely replaced with magic.

Up to Stage 1, Heart-branch magic barely had any backlashes. Starting with Stage 2, though, one started eating like a monster. Apparently enhancing one's physical abilities required more fuel. That said, compared to the absurd boost one received, the extra food was practically nothing.

If one packet of hardtack was enough to give one the strength to throw a grenade hard enough to punch through someone’s leg, then, yeah, it really was magic.

The long-awaited backlash of Stage 3, however, was the amplification of one’s other desires.

Lee Sejun suddenly blinked, then let out a huge yawn.

"Stage 3 is…Huh. It looks like when you replace one desire, another one gets stronger instead. I turned off my appetite, and now I’m getting kinda sleepy…”

After grilling Lee Sejun around a department store dining table, the four of us finally pieced together what Heart-branch, Stage 3, actually did.

Heart-branch, Stage 3: [Complete Need Replacement].

The body constantly consumed energy and demanded things in return—hunger, the need to relieve oneself, sleep, sex, validation… To just name some of the countless desires that made us human. Stage 3 allowed one to completely satisfy one of those needs through magic alone.

The prince was that another, chosen at random, became slightly stronger.

For example: Replace your need for sleep, and you’d stay perfectly alert without ever sleeping, but you’d have to eat a little more. Replace your appetite, and you’d need a little more sleep. Replace your sex drive, and your need for validation would balloon until you wanted praise just for breathing. Replace your need for validation, and your libido would go through the roof.

Of all the possible choices, the mildest drawback seemed to come from replacing your need to use the bathroom.

If you replaced that, you’d eat a little less, tire far less easily, your sex drive would stay unchanged, and the only downside would be that your desire for validation increased a bit. Meaning Lee Sejun would probably spend even more time talking about wanting to become a cute TS anime girl.

At that point, Hamza offered a theory. Perhaps instead of completely replacing a biological function, it was more like increasing the efficiency of the body’s system to the absolute limit.

"That might be why the backlash is so small.”

"Heart-branch magic should also be affected by the fog, but compared to the other branches, the backlash really is much lighter.”

I nodded in agreement, and Pastor Park Yohan did the same.

"Back when I was debating that monk Cheonghwi, he kept going on about five branches and the Five Aggregates. At the time I thought it was mostly nonsense, but conserving the knowledge you gained, it really does seem like this whole magical system was designed with the assumption that you’d eventually learn all five branches. Heart-branch magic practically exists to let you endure the backlash from the others.”

"Monk Cheonghwi definitely knew something.”

"If he knew all this, I’d bet he headed for Seoul. Looking back, he wasn’t just some ordinary monk. He was dropping hints for us the whole time. And you mentioned those terms, Sefirot and Qlippoth. The upright path and the inverted path… So what happens if that bald monk gets into Seoul and starts teaching people about the upright path?”

I had no idea what he was getting at.

I blinked at the pastor, to which he let out a long sigh. Apparently only his fellow zealot, Shin Nain, immediately understood.

He clicked his tongue, removed his headset, let it hang around his neck, and patiently explained it to the rest of us.

"If the heretic monk Cheinghwi makes contact with the wizards inside Seoul and teaches them what he knows, then everyone outside Seoul loses their information advantage.”

The concern shared by Pastor Park Yohan and Shin Nain was simple.

Monk Cheonghwi was a practitioner deeply fascinated with esoteric Buddhism. He already knew that mystical knowledge and rituals could be used to raise the stages of Alteration-type magic.

What would happen if someone like him approached the wizard factions inside Seoul using that knowledge as bait to gain influence?

Occult knowledge that had been almost impossible to systematically organize inside Seoul. If Cheonghwi introduced everything he knew, the information advantage enjoyed by those outside the city would rapidly disappear.

The Seoul wizard we'd just fought already possessed an astonishing amount of occult knowledge. If that were combined with the expertise of a genuine mystic from outside, the magical achievements inside Seoul would become impossible to catch up with.

I responded with a simple observation.

"Wouldn’t that just make nuking the place even more likely?”

If it was confirmed that Seoul could no longer be contained, the UN Security Council could simply offer up 50 million Koreans as a sacrifice and baptize the peninsula with nuclear fire.

They could hold a memorial service afterward, call it a tragedy, and just move on. Diplomacy and international politics only mattered while there were still people left alive to argue about them. Sure, one could make some humanitarian arguments, but after witnessing countless monsters and the Seoul wizard firsthand, that sort of idealistic rebuttal didn’t mean a damn thing to the Supreme Archmages anymore.

With the South Korean government already having revealed the monsters overrunning Seoul to the entire world, I found it hard to believe that world leaders had no idea what was happening inside the city.

The only reason nuclear weapons hadn’t been used yet was because magic still represented a sliver of hope. That, and the existence of the first blockade line, defeated by roughly 140,000 Republic of Korea soldiers, along with the second blockade line, where the entire Gyeonggi Province had effectively been designated a high-risk zone and was being held by mobilized reservists and rear units.

Given the situation, even the pastor who was always going on about the flock of the Lord rested his chin on one hand and clicked his tongue.

"That’s exactly the problem.”

Pastor Park Yohan tapped the temple of his thin-framed glasses with his index finger before letting out a weary groan.

"If the Seoul wizards become too powerful, they won’t have any choice but to launch the nukes. It’s almost like somebody’s deliberately trying to force that outcome.”

* * *

April 16th, 2028, 4:16 PM.

Day 2 of our expedition.

We Supreme Archmages decided to spend the night on the 7th floor of the department store near Jangji Station.

The building turned out to be far larger than we’d expected. I’d assumed the neighboring structure was separate, but after checking one of the information boards, Hamza pointed something out with slight excitement.

"It’s connected to an outlet mall. I think we should check it out.”

The only reason we agreed was because Pastor Park Yohan approved of the idea.

As he stacked dining tables into a makeshift barricade in the farthest corner of the floor before laying our sleeping bags inside, he explained his reasoning.

"Let’s assume the Seoul wizard was so good with that walkie-talkie because she’d been absorbing other people’s memories. Even so, if we figure out what supplies disappeared from this department store, we can estimate how specialized the local survivors have become. At the very least, we’ll get an idea of how many people have been coming and going around here. Let’s focus on the electronics section first. If we can gauge the survivors’ communication capabilities, search around the department store for traces of other groups, and pick up anything small but valuable. Medicine, for example, would be more than worth the trip.”

As for the dark blue phone that had received the mysterious messages, I continued carrying it.

The reason was simple. I, Baek Jemin, was the most adaptable member of the group. Shin Nain needed to split the mental burden with Hamza while dealing with physical threats.

Lee Sejun, meanwhile, continued to shine in his role as our pack mule.

He thoroughly searched the 7th floor food court, collecting every can filled with edible food he could find before hauling over more tables for the barricade. Still, true to his military background, he raised a perfectly reasonable concern.

"Given that the gunshots were loud enough to echo through the building and that we burned the bodies after, shouldn't we expect monsters or maybe other wizards coming here to investigate?”

Pastor Park Yohan answered without hesitation.

"Would you rather go back to Jangji Station?”

The moment we pictured the station again with all its filth, bloodstains, and the Cellular Degenerative Colony Organism, every single one of us shut our mouths.

Hell, if something came, we could just beat it to death, right?

As for the watch schedule, we skipped the rock-paper-scissors altogether and simply handed the first shift to Shin Nain.

"To think you've all placed such trust in me. Surely this, too, is the Lord’s grace.”

"Ptui."

To hell with it. I wasn’t playing rock-paper-scissors anymore.

Of course, that wasn’t all we discussed.

Our first priority was setting clear objectives before continuing our exploration around this bizarre department store.

Huddled together behind the barricade, we unfolded the map of Seoul Hamza had brought and examined the locations marked with red circles.

Back when the military had attempted to establish radio contact with survivors inside Seoul, they'd managed to narrow down several locations through intercepted transmissions. The estimates didn’t seem particularly precise, though.

Since Hamza had frequently been called to assist military headquarters thanks to his Dogma-type magic, he was surprisingly well-informed about this sort of intelligence.

Five red circles.

Pointing to them one by one, Hamza spoke up.

"Nowon District. Extremely dangerous. If we go there carelessly, we’ll die.”

That was where we’d heard the professor’s voice.

From the intercepted communications, it was clear he’d harbored intense hatred and resentment toward people outside Seoul. He was also believed to be far stronger than the Seoul wizard we’d fought at the department store on Songpa’s outskirts. For the time being, Nowon District, in northeastern Seoul, was crossed off our list.

Next came Gangnam. Hamza frowned again.

"Gangnam. The fact that anyone survived long enough to contact us is a miracle. Very dangerous.”

"That was the really hostile one, right?”

"Yes. He might be even more dangerous than the professor in Nowon.”

Even though Gangnam lay far from Bukhansan, the mountain where the fog had supposedly originated from, it was densely populated. Maybe that was why it had become so dangerous.

There was also the fourth location. The wizard who'd immediately realized the military had hidden their identities with gas masks and removed their name tags to avoid revealing their names. That area was believed to be where the most dangerous wizard resided. Surviving in the most dangerous part of Seoul while wielding the most dangerous kind of magic spoke for itself.

The Supreme Archmages had only just entered Seoul. We weren’t ready to challenge someone like that.

Next, Hanza pointed toward Yongsan.

"It’s dangerous there too.”

The pastor narrowed his eyes before asking Hamza,

"Who’s supposed to be there again?”

"That middle-aged lady who was negotiating with the military.”

According to Hamza, it was impossible to tell whether the danger came from the sly woman herself or from whatever monsters were roaming around Yongsan Station.

Still, compared to Nowon or Gangnam, it seemed slightly less dangerous.

Next, Hamza pointed at the area where the crying man, the very first survivor to contact the military, was believed to have been.

Dobong District.

It was near Bukhansan. The origin of the fog.

"That guy’s done for.”

"Amen. May he have attended church.”

If we headed to Bukhansan in our current state, we’d be wiped out completely.

Sadly, that man’s chances of survival were practically zero.

Finally, Hamza pointed to the location believed to be the base of Go Ryeoha, the woman the military had judged to be the friendliest survivor they’d contacted.

"Konkuk University?"

"Wow. A prestigious school."

"It’s still dangerous.”

Hamza’s Dogma-type magic [Angel’s Intuition] really was absurdly useful. He could practically point at a palace and tell whether it was dangerous.

The problem was, everywhere inside Seoul was apparently dangerous.

"Isn’t there anywhere that isn’t dangerous?”

"No."

"Haah~ shit~.”

Even as the pastor let out a short sigh, our objective became a little clearer.

From the department store on the outskirts of Songpa to Konkuk University.

Me, Hamza, Shin Nain, Lee Sejun, and Pastor Park Yohan.

The five of us looked at one another, already knowing our journey wouldn’t be an easy one.

We would have to cross the Han River.

_________________________________________________________________________

¹ A Korean children's hand game used to make decisions. All players simultaneously choose one of two hand positions (typically "up" or "down," similar to showing the palm or back of the hand). The result determines the winner.

² Lee Sejun, if you haven’t noticed it, is a bit of a weeb. (JP) Nade nade = pat, pat

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