WeTried Translations
Translator/Editor: Irevi
Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried
◈ I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With ◈
Chapter 33: Second Floor, Second Try (2)
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The surroundings changed in an instant.
Burned-out rubble.
A terrible stench.
Smoldering embers and thick smoke still hanging in the air.
I immediately dropped to my knees, clasped my hands, and assumed a prayerful posture with a devout expression.
Of course, I had obediently set the Black Iron Sword and Snake Dagger on the ground.
‘The mace should come flying in after about five minutes, right?’
Amid this scene of insane devastation, I recited a Lord's Prayer praising Sola-Estella, the archdemon Baal, like a fanatic.
Of course, it was not a prayer containing the actual doctrine of the Sun Church.
It was a demonic Lord's Prayer Baal had subtly twisted.
“May all things be purified by light!!”
Glance.
“May the wicked be led to glory!”
Glance.
“Ahh! May Sola-Estella, Creator of all things, look upon us...”
After I spent a while reciting the Lord's Prayer like a madman, the bastard finally made an appearance.
‘Hey, they’re here!’
My inner partner, who had been watching the surroundings while I devoted myself to praying, spoke.
Of course, that did not mean they had immediately flung a mace at me.
It meant they were approaching with their eyes wide open.
I could not react first here.
They had to reach out to me first if I wanted to avoid suspicion, even a little.
‘I'm counting on you!’
‘Just count on me!’
After receiving a firm answer from my inner self, I threw myself even deeper into the act.
“As the Lord descends, may all filth in this world be burned away!”
Once they approached, the bait definitely started working.
A real archdemon could not have entered the Tower, but Puppetmaster believed that at least the Holy Grail itself had been copied.
That meant the wicked energy connected to the Grail had no choice but to react from Slick's body.
Whoooosh...
“Ahh!”
“May the Lord lead sinners with infinite mercy and grant them the chance to repent!”
Whoooosh...
“Ahhh!”
The more I recited the cursed Lord's Prayer, the more wicked energy flowing from Slick began to whirl around me.
I actually felt a little dazed.
Of course, the huge Paladin, Slick, trembled with joy every time it happened.
Anyway.
Black energy was slowly rising around us. It felt like a real demon bastard was about to pop out at any moment!
But who was Heretic Exterminator?
A true demon hunter who had spent endless regressions thinking only of purifying the Fallen!
And was I not the unparalleled idol of the Infinite Regression Gallery?
The strategy created by combining Heretic Exterminator's IQ, unknown, and my IQ, also unknown, was invincible and divine.
“You ignorant ones! The end times are approaching!”
‘Beneath the warm sun, may everyone love one another...’
“Only penance and repentance can save you!”
‘May the warm light wipe away the tears of those who wept through the night in darkness...’
The key to this strategy.
Split Thought.
My other self was reciting the real Lord's Prayer internally.
In other words, it was creating a kind of protective wall to keep my mind from being devoured!
Even if gods and demons did not exist, their traces had been copied onto the second floor.
Just look at that bastard turning into a tentacle monster. The answer was obvious.
And there was even a copy of Heretic Exterminator somewhere on the second floor.
The two prayers reacted to fragments of two powers.
In other words, Baal's Holy Grail and the divine power held by Heretic Exterminator.
Whoooosh...
Black mist poured into my nose, ears, and mouth.
But it was not a problem.
The real Lord's Prayer recited by my other self canceled out the wicked energy that entered my body.
In short, I was now someone whose outside and inside were completely different.
That was when it happened.
Clap clap clap clap clap!
The fallen Paladin Slick, clapping while shedding tears of emotion, held out a hand to me.
“Young one! Rise!”
For a moment, I flinched and nearly ruined everything at the last second.
‘Holy shit!’
The symbol drawn on my forehead.
Slick's eyes, fixed on it, had become slitted like those of a reptile.
And that was not all.
I could see tiny tentacles moving inside their eyes like parasites!
‘Aaaah.’
Of course, I did not let it show.
How many times had I acted as the mastermind behind the scenes?
I was such an outstanding actor that I could hold my own against professionals!
“Ah, ahh?”
Pretending I had only just come to my senses, I took Slick's hand and stood.
“What were you doing in a place like this?”
The Slick who had started our first meeting with, “Open wide, Chupa Ch*ps coming in!” was nowhere to be seen.
Their horrifying eyes were overflowing with goodwill.
“Ahh, Sola-Estella guided me here.”
Of course, the Sola-Estella I meant was the disguised archdemon Baal.
“I see... So that is what happened!”
Slick's eyes lit up as they came to some conclusion on their own.
Of course, since I knew the backstory, I could see exactly what they were thinking.
Why else would they return after turning Eden Vale into this state?
‘The purification ritual.’
They were in the middle of transporting the sealed Saintess.
After devastating the village with power filled with wicked energy, they had returned while escorting the Saintess to check the time and see whether a new apostle had been born, just in case.
Which meant that, in their eyes, I had survived this purification ritual and become an apostle of the archdemon Baal.
I really was guzzling black mist through a demonic Lord's Prayer, and the symbol on my forehead was burning hot. At this point, it would be harder for them to doubt me.
‘Your light shines equally upon the precious and the lowly alike...’
Of course, unless they were a mind reader, they could never imagine that I had become a human air purifier.
Even priests had struggled to distinguish Baal's power from Sola-Estella's power.
So the reverse had to be true as well.
“Ahh, that is what happened.”
“Good, very good! But where did these weapons come from? They still seem to hold wicked energy.”
As if nothing had happened, Slick's eyes returned to normal, and they turned their attention to my Black Iron Sword and Snake Dagger.
Without panicking, I smoothly delivered the excuse I had prepared.
I offered both weapons to the Paladin.
“Sola-Estella gave me a revelation. The Lord said wicked heretics had hidden weapons underground and would soon send an apostle to dispose of those vile objects.”
“Ahh! So that is what happened!”
What do you mean, that is what happened?
It was all bullshit.
Still, since they were falling for it on their own, it was a total win for me.
Slick tucked my weapons into their belt, then began bending their neck at bizarre angles while making a strange sign of the cross.
Crack, crack, crack.
“Endless thanks for God's grace.”
Watching that, I swallowed a groan.
...Honestly, if these people were crazy enough to this extent and nobody noticed, had Heretic Exterminator or Sola-Estella just handled things badly?
That irreverent thought only lasted a moment.
I knew that Slick was so openly revealing their identity because they mistook me for a demon's apostle.
Even at our first meeting, I had not known they were the Paladin who caused this tragedy.
Anyway, I diligently made the demonic sign of the cross Heretic Exterminator had taught me.
“...Hmm. Is it because you are an apostle who was only recently purified? Your sign of the cross is quite unconvincing.”
‘You crazy bastard, if you bend your neck like that, people die.’
Of course, I did not say it aloud.
“Ahh, Sola-Estella said, little lamb who has only just begun to walk, your body will need time before it is completely purified...”
“Ahh! So that is what happened!”
“...”
“I see, that is what happened...”
This bastard was even crazier than I had imagined.
After being briefly awed by their fanatical power, I returned to my duty and put on a passionate performance.
“Paladin, please guide me...”
“Of course! Guiding a little lamb down the right path is also the way to follow God's will. Come with me.”
Anyway, it was fortunate that things were working out.
I followed the insane Paladin.
‘Will we make it in time if we walk?’
‘Right. We need to rescue Heretic Exterminator and go to the religious order to destroy the holy relic too. It's tight.’
Just then, Slick, who was walking ahead of me, shoved their fingers down their throat.
“Bleeergh!”
They began vomiting black tentacles onto the ground.
Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.
“Come now, feel the honor of traveling embraced by God's bosom.”
Slick beckoned to me with the expression of someone generously treating a newcomer.
Right, they did have their own portal.
Sigh.
It really looked like something I did not want to enter.
Damn it.
“Thank you...”
With tears of blood in my heart, I had no choice but to throw myself into the tentacle portal.
* * *
Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.
Ptui!
“Gah!”
After traveling through the tentacle portal, I found fallen clergy waiting for us.
“Ha ha ha! How was it? Not everyone gets to experience traveling embraced by God's bosom, you know?”
“Slick? Just who is this young one...?”
“Ahh, do you not know?”
For a while, Slick wasted time with that idiotic way of speaking.
Then the fallen Paladins accepted me as one of their own.
“Bwahaha! A new apostle not in the plan.”
“This too must be God's blessing.”
Of course, whatever they babbled about was not very important.
Because a massive transport wagon had entered my sight.
“!”
Iron bars that visibly rippled with wicked energy.
And inside that prison was Heretic Exterminator, unconscious in black shackles.
‘Oh.’
I looked at the peacefully sleeping Heretic Exterminator.
A Saintess as if painted into a picture.
Of course, not the kind of Saintess you would see in an art museum.
I meant an anime, manga, or game-style Saintess.
‘As expected, 2D and 3D are worlds apart.’
Head mod and Pinocchia were beautiful in an overwhelmingly golden-ratio kind of way.
But Heretic Exterminator, the Saintess, was beautiful in an unbalanced way.
So this was why she had been chosen as the Saintess, a vessel large enough to receive Sola-Estella's grace.
Her blonde hair had a similar feel to Solo Hero's.
But perhaps because she had used so much power, parts of it had been bleached.
She was probably unable to properly use her divine power due to the energy emitted by those shackles and iron bars.
Before rescuing Heretic Exterminator, I first looked around.
‘One, two, three, four... ten.’
‘That’s a lot.’
Ten fallen Paladins.
They watched me with friendly eyes.
It was probably thanks to the wicked energy flowing over the outside of my body.
Soon, I would be fighting them.
Could I clear this in one try even while fighting ten Paladins in tentacle armor at once?
The answer was no.
Three would already be a close call. If all ten rushed me at once, there was no answer.
If not for Heretic Exterminator's strategy guide, this looked like a situation that would have taken at least a hundred retries.
But there was no problem.
Why were supports treated like nobility in raids?
Once you had received full buffs from a high-buff support and dealt damage even once, you could not raid without a support.
Keeping an eye on the Paladins, I slowly approached the iron bars.
“W-What is this person doing here?!”
When I asked in a shocked tone, each Paladin threw in a comment.
“You can feel it too, can't you? That revolting witch's black heart!”
“Ha ha! Newbie, be careful! She'll eat you!”
For some reason, the Paladins were already treating me like the youngest member of the group.
No matter what they said, I approached Heretic Exterminator.
Waking the Saintess, Heretic Exterminator, was simple.
All I had to do was break the iron bars and shackles, then call her name.
My job was to buy ten seconds until she opened her eyes and came to her senses.
If I fought the ten Paladins to the death, I would lose every time at my current level.
But ten seconds was more than enough.
I immediately drew out mana threads and retrieved my two weapons, the Black Iron Sword and Snake Dagger, from where Slick had kept them.
Zip, zip, zip!
Shing!
Clack!
“!”
The Paladins were startled for a moment.
I could not let this opening pass.
I immediately drew up mana like a tidal wave from the core I had downgraded.
Whoooosh!
Then I loaded the Armor Break I had stocked up after stopping my prayer midway through.
“What!”
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
With a grin, I spoke to the Fallen.
“Ahh, do you not know?”
This was the highlight of a stealth rescue mission.
I immediately swung the Black Iron Sword.
Clang!
The prison and shackles shattered into pieces.
“Y-You bastard!”
“A heretic! It's a heretic!!”
“Purify them!!”
The Paladins raised their weapons and began charging toward me.
Heretic Exterminator was free, yet still unable to wake up.
Recalling the Infinite Regression Gallery comments, I shouted with all my strength.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) I have spent my entire life being called Saintess.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) So, Brother.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Please call me by my name.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) My name is-
“Elena Evangeline!!!!!! Wake up and buff meeee!!!!!!!!!”
Footnotes:
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