WeTried Translations

Translator: ZERO_SUGAR

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◈ I'm an Infinite Regressor, But I've Got Stories to Tell

Chapter 371

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The Receiver II

Constellation.

The word that originally meant “zodiac sign” has, in modern fiction, evolved into labels such as “voyeur,” “hard-core KakaoTalk addict,” “age-gap fetishist,” or “shut-in NEET.”

The Saintess eagerly adopted this Constellation concept. The instant the Apocalypse broke out, a deluge of messages was pushed to every Awakener on the Korean Peninsula.

Naturally, among them were Awakeners whose hobbies were web novels and webtoons.

They shouted at once, “Wow! You know about Constellations? For anyone who doesn’t, let me explain— in the series <The Tutorial Is Too Hard> the idea is formally established—” and so on.

In short, they shared their knowledge with everyone else without the slightest filter.

Please, try not to blame them too much. When would life ever again grant a chance to prove that web-novel reading is a loftier pastime than studying Spanish?

Thanks to their devoted efforts, the word Constellation became common sense in the post-Apocalypse world.

Even so, one question kept nagging at me.

“Bwahahahahahaha!”

The author of the Constellations, a lead actress juggling multiple roles, and the Saintess who had probably read no more than a couple of web novels in her life—

How well-versed could the woman herself really be in Constellation stories?

“Hah, kek, keugh. Gup! Puhahahah, ha. Hoo-ah-ah… ah, whatever. I’m exhausted.”

Flop—

The eyepatch-wearing chuunibyou kid collapsed onto the sand. Even her bob cut, brushing her jawline, differed from the original.

I inched toward [The Monarch of the Crimson Horse].

“Excuse me, but are you perhaps the General of the Left?”

“Ung? General of the Left? What’s that?”

“…Then have you heard of a pig named Dong Zhuo[1]?”

“Ah?! Dong Zhuo?! I personally slit that mangy cur’s throat! What, are you another nobody who worships this hero that is I? Aiyaah, how troublesome. Shall I graciously make you my servant?”

“...”

A sigh welled up from the bottom of my heart.

‘This is no Lü Bu!’

The character sheet—

The character sheet was an utter mess!

Strictly speaking, [The Monarch of the Crimson Horse] refers to Lü Bu Fengxian[2], history’s greatest unfilial son.

And Lü Bu’s rank was precisely General of the Left.

Yet the Saintess, for all she built a Lü Bu-based Constellation, had never been a Three Kingdoms buff!

‘My lady Saintess, you who know so much… how could you neglect the Romance of the Three Kingdoms!’

It was like a VTuber whose lore says she’s a high elf yet whose hobby is pruning bonsai World Trees.

At that level of lore-collapse you’re practically begging the viewers not to get immersed.

Thus, even though Lü Bu had materialized in real life, the Three-Kingdoms flame in my heart could only grow colder and colder…

“Hey, you self-styled general.”

My eyes were as dead as an otaku staring at a defective figure with the paint job half-finished.

“Aaang? Self-styled?”

“Right. What do you think of the ‘Saintess’? For reference, I am her one and only close friend.”

“Ah! The Saintess! Ooooh! She is the parent who gave birth to me—my Mother!”

…Was that a vow to decorate my severed neck in the name of filial piety?

“It so happened all us sisters got split apart. Hmph. We must re-fuse to restore Mother Saintess.”

The delusional chuunibyou kid who thought she was Lü Bu rattled on cheerfully.

“So this hero was busy fighting other fools, when suddenly a tremendous aura was felt here. I dropped everything and came running.”

“I-I see.”

“Aah! Huhuhut! I wondered what kind of weasel Mother’s lover would be, but seeing you in person—those muscles are nicely firm, not bad at all!”

Pow, pow.

The Monarch of the Crimson Horse—calling this brat Lü Bu was an insult to the Han-era rank—leapt up and smacked my butt.

“Her lover, is it? More importantly, why do you keep slapping people’s behinds? That’s harassment.”

“Ah? Sorry, sorry. Your glutes are outstanding! I acted on impulse. It’s my first time seeing such a specimen up close, and I just had to give it a whack. Wahaha. Next time I’ll restrain myself and settle for your vastus lateralis!”

Is “don’t hit me” not on the menu?

‘Wait a second.’

Watching Go Yuri quietly unfold a bright smile across from me, a sinister thought dawned.

‘In short… this kid’s a personality spun off from the Constellations the Saintess role-plays.’

Meaning she’s the Saintess at her core.

If this Sword Marquess + Oh Dok-seo chimera had certain impulses, there was a very high chance the ‘original’ shared them as well—

“Gyaaaah! Begone, fiend!”

“W-What! Fiend?!”

[The Monarch of the Crimson Horse] jumped in fright.

“Have our sisters already found this place? Where are they! Show yourselves!”

“N-No, that’s not it. A theory I desperately need to launder from my brain just popped up…”

That was when it happened.

A voice made me freeze.

[The Collector of All Anomalies marvels at your insight.]

Huh?

[The Collector of All Anomalies pays you respect and reveals herself.]

A wave rolled up the empty beach and ebbed away, leaving a human shadow where nothing had been.

She, too, was the Saintess’s spitting image.

But unlike the usually blank original, she somehow looked gloomy, somehow seemed as though she’d keep smiling forever.

“My, my. Hoho. Caught me, did you?”

For some reason she rubbed me the wrong way.

The self-proclaimed Lü Bu pointed at her at once.

“Aaaaagh?! You there! Collector!”

“Hoho, yes. How do you do, my beloved sis. It delights me to see you so full of energy.”

“How dare you call me sis without permission! I’ve never had a sour-tempered little sister like you!”

“My, how sad. Fengxian sis, weren’t we all loving siblings?”

[The Collector of All Anomalies] shrugged theatrically.

Using such words about someone who looked like the Saintess felt rude, but just watching her made my stomach acid bubble up.

“If Mother, now asleep, were to see us she would be heartbroken. Sigh. Are we truly incapable of being filial even once? You and I?”

“...”

Frankly, if Lady Saintess saw this live she might acquire an urgent desire to die.

“To insult this hero! Hey, Mother’s lover! Don’t be fooled! That snake gobbled up both the ‘Saintess of National Salvation’ and ‘The Chancellor of the Red Cape’ alone! She’s the most vicious of all us sisters!”

“Ufufu. Yet Fengxian sis, did you not cleave ‘The Conqueror of the Alps’ in a single stroke?”

“Ha! That was an honorable duel! Unlike you, pretending to ally with someone only to stab them!”

“Please say I merely used humanity’s weapons—intellect and strategy. Now, let the idiot sister be. What do you say, Mr. Undertaker?”

[The Collector of All Anomalies] offered me her hand.

“Me? Why me?”

“A foolish question, hoho. Obviously, whichever Constellation you side with is highly likely to become ‘Mother.’”

The Collector fluttered her lashes in a deadly wink. Her mystic eyes practically compelled one to answer with a critical hit.

“That idiot sister is a brainless spearman… utterly unfit to be your partner.”

“What?!”

“I, on the other hand… hoho. As you know, Mr. Undertaker, I’m a veteran who has collected countless anomalies. I’m sure I can help you along your way.”

Arms spread, the Collector declared,

“I am your destined guide! Take my hand, Undertaker! Together we shall conquer every anomaly in this world!”

I nodded.

“Go Yuri.”

“Yes.”

“Sic ’em.”

“Yessir ♪~”

Chomp!

A mouth of living shadow gaped open on the sea’s surface and swallowed [The Collector of All Anomalies] whole.

“Mwooooo?!”

The Collector thrashed, to no avail.

Crunch!

Crackle!

A few ominous noises later, the shadow devoured its prey without leaving a trace.

Another wave foamed over and the shadow vanished. The beach returned to normal.

“Uh. Uhh? Uh…?”

The self-styled Lü Bu’s gaze wavered.

Go Yuri produced a napkin, dabbed her lips, and bowed gracefully with a bright smile.

“Yes, that hit the spot.”

“...”

“A delicacy, really. Ah, the Collector’s soul can be retrieved any time, so don’t worry. Still, it would be better if you, Guild Leader, disposed of her yourself. Miss Saintess’s mental health might suffer otherwise.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

When I turned, my eyes met those of the self-styled Lü Bu. The brat was still gaping at the slasher flick that had just played out before her.

Then something astonishing happened.

“B-Brother…!”

Thud.

Without hesitation the pseudo-Lü Bu dropped to her knees in the sand.

With a grave face the kid wailed,

“No! Father!”

“...”

“If you’re Mother’s lover, then of course you’re this Fengxian’s father! U-Until now this fool failed to recognize the heavens and dared to act up!”

Thwack—sand sprayed onto my cheek. Thunk! Thwack! Her forehead strikes threatened to rename the place Samjeondo.

“Please spare this unworthy child’s life! Though I am but a slow-witted bear of a girl, this Lü Fengxian will become your unbeatable warhorse in your grand design!”

“Here you go, Guild Leader.”

“Thanks.”

I wiped my cheek with the napkin Go Yuri handed me.

Then I squatted, bringing myself eye-to-eye with the kid who now had at least three fathers.

“Hey, General.”

“Y-Yes-heh? I’m not really—”

“No. You are the General of the Left. I’ll ask some very important questions—answer them. Understood?”

“Y-Yes, sir!”

“What do you think of Cao Cao[3]?”

“Eh-heh? Mengde? That fellow—born a eunuch’s whelp without even a— and forever wallowing in inferiority toward noble Yuan Shao, then butchering innocent civilians so history would call him the paragon of filial piety because Yuan Shao beat him to it… He’s history’s biggest piece of trash! If people want a model of filial devotion they should look at me first. Huhut! Never have I seen such a twisted lump of inferiority.”

“Hm.”

I nodded.

First test passed.

“Then what about Liu Bei[4]?”

“Ha? Xuande? That guy came from dirt and got a little success; people like that insist only their own words are right, then lose their base. Wahaha! With ears as long as a donkey’s, pampering only his own circle—”

“Go Yuri. Sic ’em.”

“—is what some blind fools claim, but they’re idiots! The moment I met Xuande I knew no wiser, more virtuous lord exists! Ooh! This unworthy servant merely got lucky and took Dong Zhuo’s head, while Xuande is the true hero of this chaotic age! Ah! I betrayed him for a moment’s greed—this, this! You worthless Fengxian! Hup! I must smash my forehead and apologize to Xuande’s very soul!”

“Mm.”

I nodded.

Second test passed.

I clasped the shoulders of this genuine [Monarch of the Crimson Horse]—the one and only Lü Bu Fengxian across all parallel worlds—and hauled her up.

“From this moment on, you are Lü Bu!”

“Eh? Uh, but I was already Lü Bu…”

“I have zero desire to be your father, but you’re still a shard of the Saintess, so how could I treat you coldly? From now on you may call me hyung.”

“Ah. Uh, yes, respected Brother…?”

Though this remote desert island lacked a peach tree, a lone palm would suffice for a brotherhood.

My ambition was grand indeed.

‘If I forge Lü Bu into the mightiest Constellation and return her to the Saintess, the Saintess will surely grow to love the Three Kingdoms!’

I shivered at my own stratagem.

Come to think of it, the 1,000th run had been slated as a vacation.

Somehow Hecate got involved and now I was fighting Constellations, but the more perilous the situation, the more one should enjoy it.

Look, Go Yuri over there has been grinning from ear to ear for ages.

“Brother Fengxian! No matter what happens I’ll see you restored as the Saintess’s main body—just trust this hyung!”

“Aah. Um, yes! Wahaha! Of course I’ll only trust brother!”

“Good.”

I slapped the shoulder of the sworn brother I welcomed after Seo Gyu with hearty gusto.

“Now then, little brother, to clear the third test let’s start by memorizing the Official Histories of the Three Kingdoms, shall we?”

“…Yep?”

Shards of Constellation left to rescue the Saintess:

Four more to go.

Footnotes:

[1] Dong Zhuo (died 192 ce, China) was a general whose seizure of power and tyrannical rule ended the Han dynasty (206 bce–220 ce) and divided the Chinese empire. In 190 ce Dong Zhuo burned Luoyang, the capital, and removed himself and the emperor to the ancient capital of Chang'an (now Xi'an).

[2] Lü Bu, courtesy name Fengxian, was a Chinese military general and warlord who lived during the late Eastern Han dynasty of Imperial China.

[3] Cao Cao, courtesy name Mengde, was a Chinese statesman, warlord, and poet who rose to power during the end of the Han dynasty, ultimately taking effective control of the Han central government.

[4] Liu Bei, courtesy name Xuande, was a Chinese warlord in the late Eastern Han dynasty who later became the founding emperor of Shu Han, one of the Three Kingdoms of China.

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