I'm the Only Wizard Climbing the Tower - Chapter 99

WeTried Translations

Translator/Editor: Hydrogen B.

Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried

Chapter 99: 099

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“Uh, why all of a sudden...?!”

The President looked flustered.

Well, of course he did.

Someone had suddenly poured suspicious brown liquid over the crown of his head while chanting, “Grow, grow, hair!”

Anyone would be shocked and bewildered.

Trickle. Drip, drip, drip...

The brown liquid ran from the top of his head, past his sideburns, and down his jaw.

The President blinked a few times.

Then he pulled a handkerchief from inside his jacket.

“Ha ha. Mr. Baek Jiho, this joke has gone too far.”

Just as he was about to wipe his scalp.

“No!!!”

I rushed over and grabbed his hand.

You couldn't wipe off Hair Loss Treatment!

You had to wait for it to absorb into his skin!!!

“Mr. Baek Jiho? What on earth are you...?”

“Please wait a moment. We need to wait until the Hair Loss Treatment absorbs into your scalp.”

“Hair loss treatment...?”

“Oh! It should absorb better if I massage it in. I'm actually really good at scalp massages, you know? I'm so skilled that intelligence agents from around the world come to my house all the time for scalp massages, then sleep like babies. Would you like me to give you one too?”

“Pardon?”

The President looked utterly baffled.

Without hesitation, I performed a scalp massage.

I began lightly patting the top of the President's head with my palms!

-Slap! Slap!

-Patpatpatpatpatpat!

“Mr. President, it feels refreshing, right?”

“???”

If I patted his scalp like this, it would absorb better, right?

‘Come on, it's common knowledge that you pat your cheeks and face when applying toner or lotion.’

Lightly patting your skin helped it absorb better.

So Hair Loss Treatment should work the same way as skincare products.

If I patted his scalp like this, it would absorb even better!

Slap, slap!

“Mr. Baek Jiho, what exactly are you doing...?”

“Please wait, Mr. President. It'll grow out soon. Grow, grow, hair!”

“???”

The President's expression had gone beyond confusion to shock and disbelief.

I carefully patted his head.

‘Don't crack his skull.’

The President was an ordinary person, not a Hunter. If I messed up my strength control, I could crack his head open.

I focused on keeping my hands as gentle as possible.

It would be a massive disaster if this body, the Extreme Lunatic Hell Patriotic Chungmugong Hunter, cracked our President's skull open.

I had to be delicate.

How long had I been patting the President's scalp?

-Clack!

The reception room door opened, and a group of men rushed in.

They were members of the Presidential Security Service.

Officials from the secretariat and other government offices had come running in with them.

“Mr. Baek Jiho! What do you think you're doing?! You're assaulting the President!”

“No matter who you are, Hunter Baek Jiho, you can't suddenly do this...!”

“Step away at once! Are you all right, Mr. President?!”

They must have heard the slapping noises and rushed over.

They worried too much.

I had only applied Hair Loss Treatment and given him a scalp massage.

I obediently stepped back when they stopped me.

Then, at that very moment, a voice rang out.

“Oh. Oh. Ooooh-!”

The President grabbed the top of his head with both hands.

His entire body began to tremble.

He looked like he was having a seizure.

“M-Mr. President?!”

“...Could something be wrong with him?!”

“Call the medical team immediately!”

The Presidential Security Service and secretariat staff hurriedly checked on him.

They were terrified.

‘Uh. Did I mess up my strength control?’

Had I hit him too hard while trying to massage his scalp?

Did he have a concussion?

No, I was sure I had held back as much as possible.

‘Hmm. I'm fucked.’

I shouldn't have given him a scalp massage.

Maybe I'd been too enthusiastic.

As I tensed up, the President muttered quietly.

“M-My hair...!”

“Mr. President, did you injure your head?!”

“The medical team will arrive shortly. Please remain cal...”

“My hair...! It grew back!”

“?”

The President lowered his hands from the top of his head.

What was revealed beneath them? His black hair was already growing in thickly.

It was still short.

But it was unmistakably hair.

Hair had begun growing from the bald mountain that was his scalp!

I nodded in satisfaction.

“The effect came so quickly. As expected of this Extreme Lunatic Hell pharmacist.”

In just over a minute, the President's dead hair follicles had been resurrected and brought back to life!

The technical prowess of this body, capable of reviving even dead hair follicles!

This was the power of an Extreme Lunatic Hell Alchemist!

“Mr. President...?! Your hair. It grew...?”

“What? You really cured his hair loss?!”

“This is impossible...”

“What the hell is this...”

The Blue House staff stared at the President's hair in shock.

Even at that moment, the President's hair continued growing rapidly.

It was visibly growing before their eyes.

His formerly sparse scalp was quickly filling in!

Still, something seemed strange.

‘But was the Hair Loss Treatment I made always this effective?’

I'd heard it was supposed to make hair grow at a normal rate.

Why was it growing fast enough to see?

I came up with a guess.

‘Ah. Could my alchemy have reached the realm of a Medicine Immortal, making it this effective?’

Wasn't that a common xianxia cliché?

The cliché known as, ‘The protagonist is good at pill refining’!

The protagonist's pill-refining skill was insanely good.

Even when making the same pills as everyone else, they produced high-grade pills, supreme-grade pills, and other top-quality products.

They worked far better and didn't build up pill toxins.

That kind of cliché.

Could this be something similar?

My alchemy skills were so good that the treatment was much more effective!

I grinned.

“Heh heh... President, Daoist friend. What do you think of the Hair Loss Treatment created by this Medicine Immortal?”

“Is this truly the effect of medicine you made, Mr. Baek Jiho?”

“His hair really grew in? In that short amount of time?”

“What on earth is happening?!”

At my quiet words, everyone's attention focused on me.

Dozens of eyes were filled with shock and curiosity.

Some even held a hint of desperation.

But why were they desperate?

“Um... Excuse me.”

A middle-aged man hesitantly stepped forward.

The man, apparently the Chief of Staff or something, spoke quietly.

“Um... Hunter Baek Jiho. Could I possibly receive some of this Hair Loss Treatment as well?”

“Chief of Staff, doesn't your hair look thick enough?”

This man had suddenly walked out and asked for Hair Loss Treatment.

His hair looked thick enough, so why?

Did he have a family member or friend suffering from hair loss?

Then suddenly, with a swoosh, he removed his wig.

His bare scalp was revealed underneath.

“Please give me the treatment too!”

That was right.

The Blue House Chief of Staff was a bald man wearing a wig.

He had been a bald mountain pretending to be one of the thick-haired bastards!

And it wasn't just the Chief of Staff.

“Um... Hunter Baek Jiho? Could I have just a little too?”

“If there is any left, I would also...”

“Ahem! Hem! If it's all right, I would also like...”

One by one, people began clearing their throats and speaking with embarrassed expressions.

There was the Chief of Staff, followed by the Chief Policy Secretary, aides, senior secretaries, and others with titles like that.

Behind them, even regular secretaries and senior administrative officers turned their eyes toward me.

Wait.

Were there really this many people with hair loss at the Blue House?

‘Well, most officials in the presidential secretariat are over fifty.’

I'd heard that one in four men in their fifties suffered from hair loss.

Most presidential secretariat officials were over fifty.

There were bound to be many people suffering from hair loss.

And they had just witnessed the President's hair loss being cured right before their eyes.

Of course they would lose their minds.

So.

“H-Hunter Baek Jiho! Do you have any more of that medicine left?!”

“I would like the medicine the President received too.”

“Secretary, I was here first. Wait your turn.”

“Ha ha. Wasn't I the first to arrive? Even if you're higher-ranking, you shouldn't cut in line, Chief Policy Secretary.”

“Now, you...!”

Perhaps they realized there were many competitors.

The hair loss-stricken officials surrounded me and began competing with each other.

Being surrounded by bald men made my mood plummet.

‘This body should be surrounded by beautiful women in bikinis, yet I'm surrounded by balding middle-aged men...! This is infuriating!’

Hair loss everywhere!

What a horrifying sight!

The senior secretariat officials crowded around me, while the Blue House security personnel watched in helpless confusion.

Then, suddenly.

“Enough!”

A thunderous shout rang out.

I turned toward its source.

It was none other than President Jang Daehan.

“Enough! What are all of you doing?! Have some dignity! Can't you see that you're putting Hunter Baek Jiho in an uncomfortable position?!”

At his firm voice, the people suffering from hair loss hesitated, then backed away.

I looked over at the President.

In just over five minutes, President Jang Daehan's hair had visibly become much thicker.

He had not styled it yet, so it was messy and shaggy.

But even messy hair looked far better than a bald mountain.

That was the importance of hair.

-Swish.

The President, now blessed with thick hair, swept his longer hair back.

He looked like he belonged in some shampoo commercial.

Did my Hair Loss Treatment have a hair care effect too?

He approached me with a pleased expression.

“Ha ha! Hunter Baek Jiho, this is incredible. You truly... truly created a Hair Loss Treatment!”

“That's me.”

“We still do not know its safety, but the effect is astonishing. To think hair could grow back so quickly!”

The President spoke while tightly gripping both my hands.

He seemed incredibly happy to have regained his lost hair.

Still...

“Ha ha ha! I never thought I would see a day like this! To think I would suddenly have hair again...! My thanks are late, Hunter Baek Jiho. Thank you very much!”

“You don't have a cold scalp anymore, right?”

“Of course not! Thank you, Hunter Baek Jiho! You said you were starting a pharmaceutical company, correct? Seeing this, I can understand why you are so confident it will succeed!”

This guy...

Didn't he seem a little more boisterous than before?

He had originally seemed timid, polite, and good-natured.

Why had he suddenly turned into such a macho man?

Could that be a side effect of my Hair Loss Treatment?

The President continued.

“A Hair Loss Treatment... This is remarkable. I heard that you recently acquired something in the Tower, Hunter Baek Jiho. I imagine this is a byproduct of that. I see now why you were considering establishing a pharmaceutical company.”

“That's roughly right.”

“There are still matters such as safety verification, of course. But if there is any help you need, please tell us! I promise that the government will fully support your company, Hunter Baek Jiho!”

“Mr. President, then...”

The President promised me his full support.

I casually lifted my smartphone.

“Can I take a promotional photo using your hair, Mr. President?”

You couldn't pass up a before-and-after comparison photo.

If they saw a picture of the President transformed into a thick-haired bastard, the people suffering from hair loss in King Korea would believe in my medicine's effectiveness without a doubt.

* * *

The moment I returned home, I was subjected to my sister's intense nagging.

“Jiho, are you insane?! How could you use an untested drug on the President?!”

“I did it because I was certain it worked, and certain it was safe too. It's knowledge from alchemists beyond the Tower.”

“Still! Something could have gone wrong! I thought it was strange when you suddenly asked me to drive you to the Blue House... I never imagined you would do something this crazy...”

“That's me.”

“Hey! Are you even listening to me?!”

Apparently, pouring Hair Loss Treatment on the President's head looked like a crazy thing to do from my sister's perspective.

Well, it was crazy.

I'd suddenly tested a drug whose safety had not been properly verified on the head of our country's commander-in-chief.

Still, I had acted with my own confidence.

‘How could it possibly be dangerous? My intuition said it didn't feel dangerous at all. At least my intuition about magic is absolute.’

The more I climbed the Tower, and the higher my realm rose as my soul grew, the more accurate my magical intuition became.

Alchemy fell within the scope of that intuition too.

The moment I completed a potion, I could vaguely understand its effects and safety.

That was why I'd fearlessly conducted self-administered clinical trials by drinking every potion I completed.

Anyway.

“I should make a post on Hunter Gallery.”

“Hey, Baek Jiho!”

Scamper!

I fled into my room to escape my sister's chattering nagging.

Giving her the Reverse-Aging Potion might have been a mistake.

It felt like she nagged much more than before.

Probably because she had more stamina now...

Thanks to the vigorous energy of her early twenties, she could nag me all day without getting tired.

It was good that my sister had become healthier, but I never expected her nagging to increase too.

Anyway.

“The day I become the savior of bald men is near...!”

I had proven the Hair Loss Treatment's effectiveness through the President!

Once everyone suffering from hair loss in our country saw the President's thick new hair, once they saw the technological prowess of Extreme Lunatic Hell Pharmaceuticals and learned that hair loss could be completely cured...

Wouldn't they praise and worship this body?

“Heh heh. I should gain the overwhelming support of at least ten million people.”

According to what I'd researched...

King Korea had around ten million people suffering from hair loss!

So many people in King Korea suffered from this incurable disease.

But with my alchemical potions, something as trivial as hair loss could be one-shot!

I would gain their overwhelming support!

I could win over ten million passionate supporters!

That meant I needed to promote it aggressively.

I quickly wrote a post.

[Post Title: Newbie Hunter... Made Hair Loss Treatment...]

[Author: Blue Dot]

(A photo of the President sweeping back his thick hair in the Blue House reception room)

Newbie Hunter...

Made Hair Loss Treatment today...

I made Hair Loss Treatment but couldn't find anyone to test it on.

So I went to the Blue House and applied some to the President's head first.

The result was a huge success!

Maybe my medicine worked better than expected.

His hair became thick almost instantly, holy shit.

Hair-growing power far beyond even its creator's expectations!

As expected of me.

This Extreme Lunatic Hell pill refiner made supreme-grade hair growth medicine...!

Anyway, I've now cured the President's pitiful scalp too.

I'll keep making medicine and stockpiling it.

I'll make a huge batch, then start a company later and sell it.

Weight-Loss Treatment, aphrodisiac, sleeping potion, Mental Illness Treatment, and more will be introduced soon.

Please look forward to Extreme Lunatic Hell Pharmaceuticals!

Oh, but how long do clinical trials take?

To sell medicine, I need to establish a pharmaceutical company and conduct clinical trials.

There are lots of things I need to do...

I want to sell it quickly, make lots of money, and improve the health of King Korea's citizens.

└What the fuck, you went to the Blue House and did a clinical trial on the President's head? What?

└Is this for real?

└Why is the President's hair so thick? The President I knew had a shiny scalp like a bald eagle.

└Didn't you just put a wig on the President and call it Hair Loss Treatment? Knowing Blue Dot, it wouldn't even be strange.

└Lmao, this is ridiculous. How seriously are you committed to this pharmaceutical company concept? Bringing some absurd AI photo like this.

└└Scary story) Blue Dot has been accused of faking AI photos since the beginning of his Hunter Gallery activity, but every single one turned out to be real.

└└? So you're saying that densely packed, shiny hair on the President isn't edited or fake?

└└Yeah;;

└└Don't talk bullshit lmao. What Hunter would go apply Hair Loss Treatment to the head of a country's President? Do you think anyone would do something that fucking insane?

└└Blue Dot: That's me.

└└Hmm... But considering the insane behavior he showed at the formal contract signing, I feel like he really might have done it, like some total lunatic.

└└Blue Dot: That's me.

└└I feel like I'm losing my mind.

└This looks fake no matter how I see it... Even if Blue Dot is the greatest of all time, I can't imagine him suddenly showing up at the Blue House and applying medicine to the President's head...

└And Hair Loss Treatment is impossible to begin with. If it were possible, some global medical giant would have released it long ago.

└└Blue Dot: Those guys can't make it because they're ordinary fools. But I'm an Extreme Lunatic Hell pill refiner, so making Hair Loss Treatment is easy.

└└What's a pill refiner?

└└Even if it were possible, does it make sense for his hair to become that thick in such a short time? Thinking he put on a wig is more reasonable.

└└Blue Dot: It's because the Hair Loss Treatment I made is supreme-grade. Even in xianxia, pills made by insanely skilled refiners have amazing performance. That's why.

└└Looks like Blue Dot has been enjoying xianxia novels lately.

└Doesn't it have side effects? For example, maybe growing hair uses so much nutrition that it harms the body.

└└Blue Dot: This isn't much, but I think the President's personality might have changed a little. He was originally polite, gentle, and good-natured... but suddenly he became really boisterous and macho. Is that also a side effect?

└└That isn't a side effect lol.

└└Blue Dot: ?

└└Remember this, thick-haired bastard. A man's confidence comes from having a full head of hair. If someone who was bald suddenly becomes thick-haired, of course he'll be bursting with confidence...

└└Blue Dot: What, that's all it was? Weird. How can something as trivial as hair affect your confidence?

└└You called hair ‘trivial’...? Take that back. Take those words back...!

└Even without clinical procedures, it'll probably take years.

└└Blue Dot: Really? It takes that long? Fuck, why does it take so long? I need to save King Korea's people suffering from hair loss, obesity, mental illness, insomnia, and erectile dysfunction right now.

└└Medicine takes quite a while to verify for safety. Clinical trials alone usually take ten years, and approval administration takes another year. Making medicine is this difficult... There is a reason only giant pharmaceutical companies develop new drugs.

└Then even if Blue Dot's medicine is real, it won't be released for another ten years?

└Lmao, Korea will have collapsed by then.

└Maybe not. With political help, it could get through an ultra-fast procedure and be approved within a year. Clinical trials moved incredibly quickly during COVID and finished in one year.

└└Conversely, that means even if you shorten it as much as possible, it will still take about a year. Modern drug safety testing isn't that lax... Even if everything Blue Dot made is real, there is no avoiding the time it takes.

└└Blue Dot: I can't wait that long to release the medicine. I'll have to find another way... We will find an answer. We always have.

└Hello, I came from the Hair Loss Gallery.

└Is it true that a new Hair Loss Treatment has come out...?

└This looks fake no matter how I see it. The President became thick-haired, what the hell... Stop using AI photos, Blue Dot.

└└Blue Dot: No, it's real, but nobody believes me. If you really don't believe it, check the next time the President gives a national address or something. He became thick-haired.

└Fuck, I can't tell if this is real or fake. He's too confident for it to be fake...

└└Blue Dot: Believe me, you ordinary fools. Have you all spent your lives being deceived?

└└How are we supposed to believe this bullshit? Especially when it's coming from an insane attention whore like you.

└└Blue Dot: Don't spread false propaganda and lies by calling me insane. The fact that I don't have a mental illness was clearly proven by experimental results.

└└What experiment?

└└Blue Dot: There is one.

...

The comments kept pouring in.

I replied to them one by one until I finally exploded in frustration.

“No, you ordinary fools! I even posted a photo of the President, and you still refuse to believe me?!”

The situation was apparently too unrealistic for people to believe.

Well, the President, whose bare scalp had been clearly visible, had suddenly become thick-haired.

Of course the photo seemed unrealistic.

But I felt wronged.

I really did cure the President's hair loss.

I really did turn him into a thick-haired bastard.