WeTried Translations

Translator: Hydrogen B

Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried

◈ Omniscient First-Person's Viewpoint

Chapter 169

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It's Fake News!

A bombshell declaration.

Neither heaven nor earth knew, the captain herself didn’t know, and even I hadn’t known until ten seconds earlier. At that fake news, the captain’s mind went blank and she couldn’t say a word. Her lips opened and closed, her shoulders twitched, and she trembled at a shock she hadn’t seen coming.

In that brief moment while she was flustered, I made up a story on the spot.

“Paradoxically, my fateful meeting with Bbi happened at a brutal labor camp that shaves years off your life. Seriously, I’d heard hard labor was rough, but I almost died a few times. Even while I was exhausted and worn out, she kept calling me oppa. Neru, maybe you don’t know this, but men melt when they hear oppa.”

“I know that perfectly well, honey.”

“That pet name sounds a little old-fashioned. Well, I guess you do it on purpose because you know that.”

“What?”

Even while glaring at me, Neru stayed where she was, and I put a hand on the captain’s stiff shoulder above me.

The captain had been sitting upright with clenched fists on her knees, and she jumped at my touch.

“Anyway, one thing led to another... and I guess that’s what happened.”

Even I thought that was a really slapdash lie.

My eyes met the captain’s rigid, creaking gaze. Her eyes were so wide it looked like tears might well up at any second.

‘Correction! This is the result of blackmail! How long do you plan to keep milking this!’

Even so, she couldn’t react quickly to my fake news. Before she said anything, she had to judge whether her words might touch classified information that could expose her identity.

There was only one truth, but lies, propaganda, and fabrication were endless. All I had to do was pick the sweetest lie from that infinity.

Spreading propaganda and fabrications takes a moment, but correcting them takes forever.

“After finishing labor duty, we came back to Amitenggrad together, and after we ran into some muggers, we got close really fast.”

Neru frowned hard at that romance story barging in out of nowhere.

‘What? What kind of nonsense is this? Weren’t you about to talk about the military-state taboo?’

Yeah. Weird, right?

If anyone would notice how absurd this was, it’d be an information broker like you, Neru.

Just play along for now. Let’s embarrass the captain and send her away, then continue the real conversation.

‘...But this is great material! A scandal between the Magician and an officer could even be sold to Secret Members!’

No, don’t start investigating this for real. We were just talking about the military-state taboo. Is this an occupational disease?

And Secret Members? What was that? Why would this article even sell?

Forget it. First I had to send the captain away, then explain. If the captain who never tolerated falsehoods stayed, it’d be harder to keep this going.

“We lived in the same house, slept in my bed, went shopping together, and even did labor duty together.”

“If you even did labor duty together, there’s no room for excuses. You’re definitely dating.”

Neru nodded. The captain, hearing something she’d never heard in her life, stared with wide, round eyes.

‘?! Was this office dating someone without even knowing it...?!’

How are you the one getting confused? Anyone else could be fooled, but you should know this is fake news.

Neru, deep in work mode, mimed writing with her straw and asked,

“You’re seriously dating the captain... Could this be the information you wanted to tell me?”

“Yeah. Good news should be shared widely.”

“What are you saying? You probably just need wedding guests.”

“What are wedding guests for? Just give cash gifts.”

Tap. The straw dropped. Impressed, Neru curled her hand like a cat paw and brought it to her mouth.

Cat beastkin were still human enough to have no fur on their hands and feet, but that pose looked no different from a real cat.

“...Oh. You’re thinking as far as marriage? Well, you’re already living together.”

‘Living together?! Marriage?! This office, this office is not mentally prepared yet...!’

Prepared for what? Stop preparing weird things and hurry up and deny it.

I thought she’d shout, Correction! Your statement is false testimony and harassment toward this office! Then storm out while making her disgust obvious. But why was she just sitting there stiffly? If you stayed quiet instead of denying it, fake news started sounding real.

“...Hmm. Are you two really dating? You both seem awkward with each other.”

She had finally noticed something was off.

Whew, thank god. Right. If even you stayed sane, we could still undo this fake-news disaster...

‘Heh, looking at this, the captain is kind of cute too. Maybe military life made her awkward around the opposite sex? For a better article, I should give them a little push.’

Did you learn to shove things off cliffs from your ancestors, you one-eighth cat? How can everything you do be this annoying?

“You two lived together, so you must at least know how many moles each of you has, right?”

“...Moles?!”

The captain was so overwhelmed with embarrassment that she couldn’t answer properly at all. Heat poured off her body like she was a lamp.

Those military-state bastards treated people like machines, and now she really had become a machine. Overheating, then malfunctioning.

Whatever. The military state was bad anyway.

Neru smiled in satisfaction and winked at me with one eye.

‘Hehe. If I push them like this, they’ll be too bothered by mole counts to sleep tonight. Well? Helpful, Magician?’

Don’t be ridiculous, you punk. Why would I care about mole counts? I already know.

I briefly recalled an old memory.

“No need. I already know. Five.”

“?! Correction! No, affirmation, moral correction! How do you know that information?!”

Ah, crap.

“Hmm. So you’ve already seen everything there is to see.”

“Co-correction! And this office has four moles!”

“There was one behind your shoulder too. Did you count that one?”

“Then that makes five, so... How do you know that information?!”

“Ah, it’s classified.”

“Co-correction (improper)! Your conduct is improper!”

She spun around to argue with me, but forgot she was sitting on my lap and moved far too much. She pitched forward, and our bodies ended up pressed together.

Was this what blanched grass smelled like? Her bright red face and burning body stuck close to mine. I could feel the heat even through her stiff uniform.

Wow, this alone would keep you warm in winter.

...Hmm. This was a little dangerous.

“Oh my. What a lovely sight. You two... are so comfortable with each other that you even do skinship in broad daylight....”

“Stop! Delete that!”

Neru, having found her angle, had already pulled out memo paper and started writing. She didn’t seem to care about the captain’s command.

“...The number... of moles... is five.... A relationship... where they trace... each other’s bodies... and draw... constellations....”

“We never traced and never drew! Forget it! It is classified!”

“Captain’s body... number of moles... military secret....”

“Correction! Not classified, secret! Privacy! Right now...!”

Maybe embarrassment had overheated her head too, because while flailing her arms, the captain nearly toppled to the floor. I quickly grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back. Her face smacked into my chest.

When she ended up wrapped in my arms like that, a muffled sound came out of her mouth.

“Ah, uh, ah.”

She really seemed broken. What should I do?

The only one enjoying this was Neru. Like a seasoned paparazzi, she observed us without a shred of shame, and once her draft was done, she tore off the note and tucked it into her thigh belt.

“Good. Interview’s over. Thanks for cooperating, honey.”

“This is all because of you.”

“Sorry. I’ll buy this drink as an apology.”

No, you said you wanted to hear about the taboo. We weren’t done.

As a coalition of beastkin, Family was the group with the strongest organization and intelligence network. I’d planned to leak them the right information and move them as needed.

“Don’t worry, honey. I know why you said all this.”

Right. So you did get it.

From the middle on, she’d been enjoying the captain’s reactions anyway. Since she understood my real intent, we could set up another meeting later...

‘Now that you also have someone precious you need to protect, you’re telling me not to ask more about this and just trust you with it. Heh, even the famed Magician is quite the romantic, huh?’

Why is your head full of nothing but pretense and gossip? Why does someone else’s romance story, a fabricated one at that, excite you this much? Are you in some third-person observer horny phase or what?

‘Anyway, you even showed me your woman, so we should show some sincerity too. Right. I don’t know what you’re planning, but I’ll let you play me like your puppet, Magician. Like on the day of the mass pickpocket festival.’

Not asking questions and doing what I say was encouraging, but this misunderstanding was on a whole other level...

Whew, fine. However we got there, the result was good. For me, this was the best result.

Neru was about to stand, then suddenly asked,

“...Ah, honey. I shouldn’t reveal the captain’s unit or identity, right?”

The captain flinched. Already clinging to me, she burrowed even deeper into my arms at those words, like she wanted to hide her identity.

The answer had been decided from the start, so I shook my head right away.

“Don’t do any background digging either. This alone is enough for an article, right?”

“What if we poke just a little?”

Still poking to the very end, I see. I answered with a bright smile.

“One of the two will have to die.”

It was plain truth. By principle, the moment she found out the captain was a communications officer, either the captain or you had to die.

Neru swallowed dryly, then nodded.

“Don’t worry, honey. I’ll definitely hide the captain’s identity.”

‘Really shouldn’t touch this. If the Magician says it that firmly, messing with it won’t end clean....’

Huh? No, not me. You two. You and the captain.

I said one of you would die. Why are you putting me on that life-and-death seesaw?

‘Wait. Then we just tested the Magician’s girl.... Hmm, for now I should tell Family not to take anything the Magician offers. If that guy snaps, who knows what he’ll do.’

Now you get it.

Since we were on the topic, I said one more thing to Neru as she pulled out her wallet.

“...You’re not going to use my real name, right?”

“Of course. Good material should be saved for the right moment... Any option you want?”

“Write this: Hyu, a brilliant mind who took first in his middle school class over and over.”

“Got it. Okay, thanks, honey.”

Neru walked away, tail swishing. Maybe she was encouraged by the fact that I had a weakness too; her steps were as light as could be.

It was a complete misunderstanding, but there was no need to correct it. Making the other side misunderstand you could be good buildup too.

That aside.

“....”

What should I do with the captain, still clutching my collar and quietly holding her breath? I meant to embarrass her, but it felt like I’d sent her somewhere strange instead of home.

...Let’s go home first.

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