WeTried Translations

Translator: Hydrogen B

Editor: Hydrogen B

Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried

Chapter 169: It's Fake News!

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A bombshell.

The captain's mind went blank at the fake news that neither heaven nor earth knew about, that the captain herself did not know about, and that even I had not known ten seconds earlier, leaving her unable to say a word. Her mouth opened and closed, her shoulders twitched, and her body trembled at the shocking news she had never expected.

Taking advantage of that brief moment of panic, I made up a suitable story.

"Paradoxically, Bbi and I had our fated meeting at that brutal labor camp where your lifespan gets shaved away. Wow, I'd heard labor sentences were rough, but I nearly died a few times. Even when I was exhausted and miserable, she kept calling me oppa. You might not know this, Neru, but men melt when they hear that word."

"I know plenty well, babe."

"Calling someone babe sounds a little old-fashioned. Well, I guess you're doing it on purpose since you know that."

"What?"

Even as Neru's eyes flashed at me, I placed a hand on the captain's shoulder, where she sat stiff as a board on top of me.

The captain had been sitting ramrod straight with her clenched fists on her knees, but she jumped at my touch.

"Anyway, one thing led to another... I guess you could say that happened."

Even I thought I had made that up awfully carelessly.

My eyes met the captain's as she creaked around. Her widened eyes looked ready to fill with tears.

'Negative! This is the result of coercion! How long do you intend to keep exploiting that?!'

Still, the captain could not respond swiftly to my fake news. Before saying anything, she had to judge whether her words might count as classified information that would expose her identity.

Truth was singular, but lies, propaganda, and fabrication were infinite. I only had to choose the sweetest lie among them.

Creating propaganda and fabrications took an instant, but correcting them always took far longer.

"After we finished our labor sentence, we returned to Amitenggrad together. We became close very quickly after we ran into a robber there."

Neru scowled at the romance story that had intruded out of nowhere.

'What? What kind of nonsense is this? Weren't we about to talk about the military state's taboos?'

Right. It was strange, wasn't it?

As an information broker, you would notice, Neru. You would see how ridiculous this story was.

Just play along. I would embarrass the captain into leaving, then we could continue our conversation.

'...But this is a great story! A scandal between a magician and an officer, I could sell it to the Secret Members!'

No, don't seriously start reporting on it. We were talking about the military state's taboos until a moment ago. Was this an occupational illness?

And what were Secret Members? Why would anyone buy this article?

Whatever. I would send the captain away first and explain later. It would be hard to continue with her around when she could not tolerate falsehoods.

"We lived in the same house, slept in my bed, went shopping together, and even did labor together."

"If you even did labor together, there's no room for excuses. You're definitely dating."

Neru nodded. The captain's eyes went round at words she had never heard before.

'?! Was I dating him without even knowing it...?!'

Why were you getting confused? Nobody else had to know, but you had to realize it was fake news.

Neru, overcome by her occupational illness, pretended to write with her straw as she asked,

"You're seriously dating the captain... Could this be the information you wanted to tell me?"

"Yes. Good news should be shared widely."

"What? You need wedding guests."

"What would wedding guests do? Just give us cash gifts."

The straw fell with a tap. Impressed, Neru curled her hand like a cat's paw and brought it to her mouth.

Cat beastkin were still human, so their hands and feet had no fur, but her posture rivaled that of any ordinary cat.

"...Oh? You're even thinking about marriage? Well, you already live together."

'Living together?! Marriage?! This officer, this officer is not mentally prepared yet...!'

Prepared for what? Stop preparing for strange things and deny it already.

I thought she would shout something like this, showing her displeasure and storming off immediately.

"Negative! Your statement is false testimony and harassment toward this officer!"

Why was she sitting still in that rigid posture? If you did not deny it and stayed quiet, the fake news would seem real!

"...Hmm. Are you two really dating? You don't seem used to each other."

You had finally noticed something strange.

Phew, what a relief. Right. If even you were sane, we could still undo this fake-news disaster...

'Hmph, looking at her now, the captain is kind of cute. Maybe she's awkward around the opposite sex because she's in the military? For a better article, I should give them a little push.'

Did you learn to push things teetering on a cliff from your ancestors, you one-eighth cat? How could everything you did be so annoying?

"You two lived together, so you must at least know how many moles the other has on their body."

"...Moles?!"

The captain was apparently too embarrassed to give anything close to an answer. Heat radiated from her body as if she were a lamp.

Those military-state bastards treated humans like machines, so she really had become a machine. She was overheating, which meant she had malfunctioned.

Ah, whatever. The military state was at fault.

Neru gave me a satisfied smile and winked at me with one eye.

'Hehe. If I give them a little push like this, they won't be able to stand it tonight without wondering how many moles the other has. What do you think? Helpful, right, Magician?'

Don't make me laugh, you little brat. Why would I wonder how many moles she had? I already knew.

For a moment, I recalled an old memory.

"No need. I already know. Five."

"?! Negative! No, affirmative, morally improper! How could you possibly know that information?!"

Oops.

"Hmm. So you've already seen everything there is to see."

"De, negative! And this officer has four moles!"

"There was one behind your shoulder too. Did you count that one?"

"Then five is correct... How do you know that information?!"

"Ah, it's classified."

"Im, improper! Your conduct is not proper!"

The captain spun around to protest, then moved far too much without realizing she was sitting on my lap. She tipped forward, and our bodies ended up pressed together.

Was this what blanched grass smelled like? Her bright red face and hot body pressed right against me. Even through her stiff uniform, I could feel her warmth.

Wow. This alone would keep me warm through winter.

...Hmm. This was a little dangerous.

"Oh my. How nice. You two are... so comfortable with physical contact, even in broad daylight..."

"Stop! Delete that!"

Having found a lead, Neru had already pulled out a notepad and begun writing an article. She did not seem to care about the captain's command.

"...The number... of moles... is five.... A relationship... where they trace each other's bodies... to draw constellations...."

"We have never traced or drawn anything! Forget it! It is classified!"

"The captain's body's... number of moles... military secrets...."

"Negative! It isn't classified, it's secret! It's private! Stop right..."

Maybe her head had overheated from embarrassment too. The captain flailed her arms and nearly toppled to the ground. I hurriedly grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back. Her face struck my chest.

Once she ended up in my arms, a muffled sound escaped her mouth.

"Ah, uh, ah."

I think she really had malfunctioned. What should I do?

Neru was the only one enjoying herself here. Like the seasoned paparazzo she was, she observed us without a trace of embarrassment. Once she finished her article draft, she tore out the page and tucked it into the belt on her thigh.

"Good. The interview is over. Thanks for cooperating, babe."

"This is all because of you."

"Sorry. I'll buy this drink as an apology."

No, you said you wanted to hear about the taboos. We were not finished talking.

As an alliance of beastkin, the Family was the organization with the strongest network and intelligence. I had wanted to feed them suitable information and make them move as I wished when necessary.

"Don't worry, babe. I know why you said all this."

Right. You understood.

Well, you had been enjoying the captain's reactions from halfway through. Since you understood my real intention, you would arrange a time to meet again later...

'You have someone precious to protect too, so you mean I shouldn't ask about this any further and should trust you with it. Hehe, even the great Magician is quite the romantic, aren't you?'

Why was your head filled with nothing but hypocrisy and gossip? Why were you so excited about someone else's fabricated romance? Were you going through some kind of third-party observer's heat?

'In any case, you even showed me your woman, so we should show our sincerity too. Right. I don't know what you're planning, but I'll let myself be drawn into your puppet show, Magician. Like on the day of the group pickpocketing festival.'

It was encouraging that she would do as I told her without asking further questions, but what a misunderstanding...

Phew, fine. The process did not matter as long as the result was good. This was the best possible result for me.

As Neru got up from her seat, she suddenly asked,

"...Ah, babe. I shouldn't reveal the captain's affiliation or status, right?"

The captain flinched. Already in my arms, she burrowed further into me at those words, as though she wanted to hide her identity.

The answer had already been decided, so I immediately shook my head.

"Don't investigate her either. This alone is enough material for an article, isn't it?"

"What if we poke around a little?"

Look at you needling me until the end. I smiled brightly as I answered.

"One of the two would have to die."

It was a simple truth. The moment Neru learned that the captain was a communications officer, protocol would require either Neru or the captain to die.

Neru swallowed dryly and nodded.

"Don't worry, babe. I'll make sure the captain's identity stays hidden."

'Really shouldn't touch that. If the Magician is this firm about it, I probably won't get away intact if I meddle...'

Huh? No, not me. The two of you. You and the captain.

I said one of you would die. Why were you putting me on that life-and-death seesaw?

'Wait. Then we just tested the waters with the Magician's girlfriend.... Hmm, I should tell the Family not to accept anything the Magician gives them for a while. Who knows what he would do if he snapped.'

You finally got it.

Since it came up, I said something to Neru as she pulled out her wallet.

"...You won't use my real name, right?"

"Of course. Good material has to be used sparingly... Do you have any options you want?"

"Write that I'm Hui, the brilliant student who repeatedly ranked first in the whole middle school."

"Received. Okay, thanks, babe."

Neru walked away, her tail swaying back and forth. Maybe she was encouraged by the fact that I had a weakness too, because her steps were impossibly light.

It was a complete misunderstanding, but there was no need to correct it. Making the other party misunderstand was good buildup too.

Still.

"..."

What should I do with the captain, who was silently clutching my collar and holding her breath? I had embarrassed her, but it seemed I had sent her somewhere strange instead of home.

...Let's go home for now.

Footnotes:

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