WeTried Translations
Translator/Editor: Irevi
Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried
◈ I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With ◈
Chapter 15: Damn, I Like You Guys!
──────
The Management Bureau was in an uproar.
An Awakened of Infinity difficulty had appeared.
“I’m telling you to pull out now! Director’s orders!”
“Yes! They’ve appeared! Retrieve the tranquilizer darts and report your route!”
“Yes, yes! Send back the Awakening suspects being transported, and tell the confirmed Awakened to wait where they are for now!”
Of course, there was one place entirely removed from that frantic atmosphere.
The director’s office.
Management Bureau Director Kwon Dojun was reading the profile of Lee Han-gyeol, the Awakened of Infinity difficulty.
“An obsession bordering on madness...”
Kwon Dojun’s brows drew together.
“As a child, they became hooked on Metal Sl*g, left the orphanage without permission before dawn, picked the lock on an arcade, and played until morning before being arrested by police responding to a report. When asked where they got the money, they stated that they had blown through all the allowance they had diligently saved in a single day. Their statement was later confirmed as fact.”
Rustle.
“They became obsessed with Pok*mon GO and wandered the city until collapsing from exhaustion. They were hospitalized after a passerby reported it. Severe dehydration. The cause was apparently a Shiny... a Shiny? They said they were trying to catch a Shiny, so they walked nonstop for two days without drinking even a sip of water.”
Rustle.
“After debuting as a pro gamer, they unilaterally broke the slave contract with their first team. They paid the penalty with a secured loan from an illegal moneylender, then made a spectacular comeback with their second team.”
Thud.
Kwon Dojun let out a deep sigh and shut Lee Han-gyeol’s file.
“I don’t know whether I should be happy or worried.”
Lee Han-gyeol was completely unpredictable.
It was questionable whether they could even be controlled.
The one fortunate thing was that this mad obsession seemed directed at the Tower.
Still, that was no reason to relax.
“Phew. If they ever lose interest in the Tower, doesn’t that mean fifty thousand people will have to shit blood climbing it one floor at a time?”
They now had basic information about the Tower.
It was a mad place where people had to fight monsters that did not exist in reality.
The tutorial might have harmless slimes, but experts predicted that the difficulty would continue to rise.
They could not shove fifty thousand people into such a place and tell them to climb at least one floor within a week.
They simply could not.
The sacrifice of fifty thousand people, or the sacrifice of one.
The answer was obvious.
‘I have to push them into the Tower, no matter what.’
Director Kwon Dojun could already feel an ache in their back.
“Bow. For now, we bow. No matter what.”
Nothing else mattered.
An Infinity-difficulty challenger.
As long as they entered the Tower, this old body’s spine could bend a hundred times, a thousand times.
* * *
A black sedan sped through Seoul.
In the passenger seat, Lee Juhui hummed cheerfully while holding Lee Han-gyeol’s autograph.
“Wow, thank you! Thank you! I was such a huge fan, but I never dreamed I’d get your autograph like this!”
“Ha-ha, are you really that happy? I’m retired, so it probably doesn’t mean much.”
“What are you talking about? Emperor awakened at Infinity difficulty! This thing’s definitely going to skyrocket in value.”
“Oh? Are you going to sell it?”
“N-no. I meant its value, that’s all.”
“Ha-ha, I’m joking. It’s fine if you sell it. It’s already left my hands. What you do with it is up to you as a fan.”
“Ha! I’m not selling it! I’ll keep this as a family heirloom and pass it down forever!”
Everyone was grinning.
Laughter filled the car.
The atmosphere was positively rosy.
Park Junyoung, who was driving, stopped at a light, turned slightly, and bowed his head to Lee Han-gyeol again.
“Thank you very much for your cooperation.”
“It’s nothing. It’s something I should do.”
“No, truly, thank you. It couldn’t have been an easy decision to devote yourself to the country overnight.”
“Is that so? Are other players usually different from me?”
“Yes. They became superpowered overnight. Naturally, they were the most confused. There’s been some friction, and things are complicated. You’re a very unusual case, Lee Han-gyeol.”
That was when Lee Han-gyeol’s eyes narrowed slightly.
“Friction? Not the kind caused by trying to kidnap them, I hope?”
The two agents flinched.
They looked calm on the surface, but not to Lee Han-gyeol. Their enhanced hearing, sharpened through condensed and fixed mana, had detected subtle changes in their heartbeats.
The agents secretly exchanged glances, though Lee Han-gyeol had caught that too. Then Lee Juhui let out a long sigh and spoke.
“...Kidnap? Why would you think that?”
“Lee Juhui.”
Park Junyoung seemed to be trying to stop them.
Lee Han-gyeol answered casually.
“Well, I’m a pro gamer. My eyes and ears are pretty good. I was thinking there was no way a government agency would sit still, then I heard completely unfamiliar footsteps and opened the door right away. I thought, so it’s finally come!”
“...”
“But Agent Park Junyoung made a motion like he was about to reach into his jacket.”
“...”
“And normally, when you visit someone’s home, you knock or ring the bell. But your hand was kind of, how should I put it, close to the door lock. I wondered whether you might break in during broad daylight and kidnap Awakened people. Ha-ha!”
“...”
A heavy silence settled over the car.
“Wait, I was right?”
“...”
Lee Han-gyeol did not press them or look flustered. They merely waited quietly for a response.
Sometimes, a single silence could exert far more pressure than a hundred words.
Lee Joohee spoke first.
“Haah, Senior! I’m just gonna say it!”
“Lee Juhui!”
“That’s right! We were gonna shoot you with a tranquilizer dart and kidnap you! I’m so, so, so sorry!”
Lee Juhui turned around and slammed their head down.
Thunk!
Lee Han-gyeol’s eyes widened.
“But! We had our reasons too!”
“What reasons could possibly justify that?”
“...They died. The fellow trainees who went to contact the Awakening suspects.”
“What?”
Lee Han-gyeol’s mouth fell open.
“At first, the policy was to persuade them with words. But after an agent was murdered, the Director got furious and completely changed the policy. We were ordered to subdue them first.”
“Wait. What happened to that Awakened person?”
“We shot them dead. We lost two agents and one Awakened agent to take them down.”
“Huh...”
“Haah. You and I will have a separate talk later.”
“Senior! Lee Han-gyeol needs to know this stuff! If they hadn’t approached us kindly in the first place, we would’ve kidnapped them, right? Then I wouldn’t have gotten an autograph either!”
Lee Han-gyeol stared at Lee Juhui for a moment with an exhausted expression.
Park Junyoung sighed and took over.
“...I have no excuse. I won’t make any.”
“No wonder you were being so nice. What were you planning to do after kidnapping me?”
“Talk to you.”
“Talk after kidnapping me?”
“I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.”
Lee Juhui cut in.
“You know that meme? ‘Get in the car right now! There’s no time!’”
“Lee Joohee, you...”
“Oh, I know that one.”
“...”
“Um, it was similar. After an unfortunate incident, we used a much more extreme method, kidnapping. But it’s an emergency worldwide. You know that. It was the Director’s order, so we couldn’t help it.”
Similar? How was this kidnapping similar to that meme? In what way?
Puzzled, Lee Han-gyeol scratched their head and answered.
“I understand, but kidnapping me out of the blue...”
“We’re not some evil organization or bad guys. When the Awakening suspects wake up, we bow our heads and apologize first thing. I swear.”
Lee Han-gyeol looked at Park Junyoung skeptically.
“It’s true. I’ve been slapped quite a few times during the process.”
It was true.
His heartbeat was calm.
“Haah. You weren’t planning to brainwash me or threaten me after kidnapping me? You really only intended to talk?”
“Yes. That’s right. Many of the people who awakened simply returned home afterward.”
That was true as well.
“Then what would happen if I refused to cooperate? I’m Infinity difficulty.”
“...I’ll be honest.”
“Sure. Let’s put everything on the table.”
“To be honest, I don’t know. The Director is very hard to predict.”
“Hard to predict. Say the Director orders you to brainwash or threaten me. What would you do?”
Park Junyoung closed his eyes for a moment, then gripped the steering wheel tightly.
Being an Awakened, he crushed it at once.
“I don’t think that will happen, but I’d obey. It’s an order.”
Park Junyoung and Lee Han-gyeol’s gazes met through the rearview mirror.
“You wouldn’t think that was too much?”
“I would. I’d think it was too much.”
Their eyes clashed like sparks.
Lee Han-gyeol snickered.
“Don’t you have any human feelings?”
“Pfft!”
“?”
Lee Juhui laughed, while Park Junyoung only looked confused.
“Oh, you don’t know that one. It was just an icebreaker. A joke, a joke.”
“Ahem.”
“Agent Park Junyoung is okay. What about Agent Lee Juhui?”
“Ah! I’m against it! Completely against it! I’d disobey orders! I’d help you run out through the front door!”
“...Lee Juhui.”
“Fine. Then no more secrets between us, okay?”
“Of course! I’m totally open-minded! Besides, you never know. We brought you in, so maybe we’ll end up working on the same team! I’ve always dreamed of being a hero’s sidekick! And if I got to be Emperor’s sidekick, I’d serve you for life! Single-dad Senior Park, get lost!”
Lee Juhui’s heartbeat had a steady rhythm.
Their words were surprisingly, flawlessly sincere.
“Lee Juhui, I’ll see you later. Anyway, yes. I have nothing more to hide either. If you have any questions, please ask me anything.”
Park Junyoung’s heartbeat was off rhythm.
His words were a lie.
“Hmm. Really? There’s nothing else you’re hiding?”
“...There is one thing I’d like to ask.”
“What is it?”
Park Junyoung’s ears turned bright red.
It was an expression far removed from a cool-headed agent.
He hesitated for a moment before struggling to move his lips.
“If it’s not too much trouble, could I have one autograph too...?”
Surprisingly.
It was true.
“If you were my fan too, you should’ve said so from the start.”
“N-no. I’m sorry. I’m not really the type for cultural pursuits. It’s for my daughter.”
“Ah, your daughter is a fan. Of course I’ll do it.”
“Thank you. I know it’s shameless, but I’d really appreciate it.”
“Ha-ha! I’m sure Player Lee Han-gyeol will like Hye-min too! She’s grown up so brave and...”
“Please shut up, Lee Juhui.”
“What did I say wrong? She studies well on her own, makes friends easily, understands and supports her dad, and she’s grown into such a fine, wonderful daughter! Senior can brag about his daughter!”
“Ahem. Hye-min has grown up well.”
Lee Han-gyeol, who had been listening to their conversation, began to make a complicated expression.
“Phew. Because of my job, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her. But whenever she sends me messages saying she always trusts and supports me, my heart feels so full.”
“She really has grown up brave! There isn’t an agent among us who doesn’t know Hye-min! If she joins us as a junior, I’ll spoil her rotten!”
“Forget it. I’ll never let Hye-min do work like this.”
“Well, that’s fair!”
* * *
I cried inwardly.
‘Damn it, what is this!’
Listening to a father’s moving life story that could not be heard without tears was making my chest burn!
‘The washing machine is running!’
I’ve always liked people whose words and actions match!
People with convictions are cool!
And I had sort of forgiven them in my heart already, but the story about his daughter had dealt the finishing blow.
‘Puppetmaster! What kind of gallery user are you!’
I immediately opened the Infinite Regression Gallery and wrote a post.
[Damn, Agents, I Like You Guys!]
[Author: Amor Fati]
(Thumbnail: Park Junyoung, stopped at a traffic light and showing off photos of his daughter, and Lee Juhui happily waving around an autograph)
I listened to their heartbeats, and they were all telling the truth, damn it!
Turns out they’re good people!
They have their reasons!
They’ve been washed clean!
This Infinite Regressor, Amor Fati, hereby declares that the Home Alone operation is abolished as of today!
By the way, I’m going to meet the Director now yeah
Soon, comments from the Infinite Regression Gallery began to appear.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Can’t pull off the Home Alone operation? That’s fucking disappointing. It was seriously a masterpiece.
ㄴAmor Fati) Honestly, fair lol
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) It was a story that could not be heard without tears ㅠㅠ
ㄴSolo Hero*) Is the washing machine’s performance insane or what
ㄴMartial God) Hey, aren’t those guys ordinary regressors? How are they getting washed so perfectly? lol
ㄴPuppetmaster) That’s a relief. Looks like Newbie won’t suffer over it later.
ㄴDungeon Rogue) Management Bureau bastards, be grateful for Newbie’s kind heart!
ㄴVampire Princess) Did you say you could tell lies by listening to heartbeats?
ㄴAmor Fati) Yeah, the rhythm changed subtly
ㄴVampire Princess) Why did heaven make Newbie human!
ㄴArchmage) Heh heh, that’s a relief. By the way, have you made a new plan?
Archmage’s comment struck the heart of the matter.
I definitely needed a new plan.
Let’s think.
In my first run, the Management Bureau had recruited Awakened people on a massive scale.
Instead of sinister methods like kidnapping, they had thrown open the Management Bureau’s doors.
‘The Tower message saying there’s an Infinity-difficulty challenger in Korea probably made them lose their minds.’
While trying to recruit Awakening suspects indiscriminately just to find me, an agent was killed by a crazy player, and their policy changed.
‘There’s the answer.’
The Infinity-difficulty challenger message spreading far and wide was already part of the fixed past, so there was nothing I could do about that.
‘That crazy player. I just need to stop that bastard.’
Then the Management Bureau’s policy would not have become this extreme.
‘Good. It’s decided.’
I would meet the Director, learn every detail about that crazy bastard, then regress and stop them.
As I laid the foundation for my next run’s plan, I followed the two agents through the chaotic Management Bureau and entered the director’s office.
The Management Bureau Director was waiting for me there.
“A-awakened Lee Han-gyeol. Th-thank you sincerely for your cooperation.”
Crack, crack, pop. Pop.
They spoke while making sounds no back should ever make.
Footnotes:
In Korean online slang, “washing” can mean rehabilitating or whitewashing someone’s image.
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