I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With - Chapter 2

WeTried Translations

Translator/Editor: Irevi

◈ I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With ◈

Chapter 2: The Newbie After 700 Years

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Dungeon Rogue, a fixed username.

That IRG user was an Infinite Regressor whose regression point had gotten tangled after blurting out “Infinite Regression” in their sleep.

[Ah, fuck, I can't make it past five minutes no matter what I do;;]

[Author: Dungeon Rogue]

I wake up and sprint my ass off, but I still get taken out in five minutes lol

Ha, if I could just buy thirty minutes, I think I could make a break for the labyrinth exit, but it's so hard

ㄴMartial God) This is what happens when you don't practice the lightness technique I taught you.

ㄴDungeon Rogue) I'm really sorry, but the Status Window says I can't use skills from other occupations?

ㄴMartial God) That damn Status Window, fuck.

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Would escaping even mean anything? Didn't you say you're all screwed once the labyrinth collapses anyway?

ㄴDungeon Rogue) I could hang around the gallery longer and more reliably, hahh.

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Deranged gallery addict;;

“I almost ended up like that.”

Was that you again?

Charlie Chaplin, the greatest actor in human history?

They said life was a comedy from afar and a tragedy up close.

Since I had nearly suffered the same fate, I couldn't bring myself to laugh at the post.

[It'scomingcomingit'scomingit'scoming]

[Author: Dungeon Rogue]

(Thumbnail: A hideous Abyssal Eye appears as it tears through the dungeon floor.)

Full speed ahead, ruuun awaaay!

ㄴVampire Princess) I've been watching that eye monster for so long that I'm starting to feel attached to it!

For reference, every post Dungeon Rogue made right before regressing was like that.

Was it because this was a gallery where people wrote with their minds?

Their urgency came through perfectly in the writing.

“So saying it aloud immediately summons the final boss.”

Maybe it was because it had been sleep-talking, making the judgment unclear.

Dungeon Rogue had been given about a minute's grace period.

They ran like mad for that minute and bought themself five minutes.

And they spent those five minutes entirely on the gallery.

If I had said “Infinite Regression” aloud, would I have been trapped forever in a loop where the Tower collapsed?

I didn't know, but I didn't even want to imagine it.

More terrible than dying over and over forever was the thought of never being able to play Monolith again.

“Ugh. I can't end up like that.”

I only had a moment to tremble at how close I had come to getting screwed.

[Guys, I think a newbie's here?][7]

Dungeon Rogue, having regained their ability to use spaces after regressing, made a new post.

“What?”

I hadn't written anything.

I had only been lurking under the excuse of reading the room and gathering information. How did they know?

Or was there another newly arrived Infinite Regressor from the same batch as me?

Curious, I clicked the post in my mind.

What it said was utterly shocking.

[Guys, I think a newbie's here?]

[Author: Dungeon Rogue]

The view count on posts suddenly went up by one lol

Hurry up and say hello~

ㄴMartial God) I thought this was bait, but it's real? Every recent post has one more view.

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) They're reading this one too.

ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Are you a brother or a sister?!

ㄴSolo Hero*) Oh, it really is. I only noticed now.

ㄴPuppetmaster) 100%.

ㄴVampire Princess) Well, I never!

ㄴArchmage) Ho ho. The gallery will have some life in it for a while.

Good lord.

I had been looking at them without realizing.

“All post view counts were fixed.”

This was a crazy, stagnant community forum that had rotted into a mutual-back-scratching clique.

How much time did they have on their hands that every gallery user read every single shitpost without missing one?

‘No, no.’

They were Infinite Regressors.

Of course they had an endless amount of time to waste.

It hit me again just how far the thought processes of Infinite Regressors were from those of normal people.

“Ah, what do I do?”

I had planned to lurk slowly, then make a Ta-da! entrance at the right time.

It felt like a surprise party I had secretly prepared had been discovered before it even started.

Pretending I didn't know would be awkward.

The view count had already risen.

“Tsk. I wanted to enter the Tower first.”

At this point, I might as well introduce myself properly.

If my memory was right, the first entrant would appear and the extinction timer would begin the next day.

In other words, the title of the first Player to enter was still safe.

Ah, yes.

This was the information gap of a regressor.

A sense of ease overflowed within me.

I looked at the fixed username settings window and thought for a moment.

“Hmm.”

Choosing a username was a major matter.

But thinking about it too long was how you made a bad move.

The instant a brilliant idea struck me, I set my fixed username.

I was grateful to the fate that had bestowed the blessing of Infinite Regression upon me.

Then I casually made an introductory post.

[Caught me....]

[Author: Amor Fati]

Hello.

A new Infinite Regressor here to say a fucking big hello.

First impressions were important, so I had made a decent effort to be polite.

I had even mixed in a light joke.

It was an ordinary greeting post without a single rough edge.

As I posted it, I waited expectantly.

Fresh blood entering an old-timer community was guaranteed to be doted on.

And everyone had seemed excited in Dungeon Rogue's post saying a newbie might be here.

How were they going to dote on me?

Ding!

However, the comments were not what I had expected.

ㄴSolo Hero*) Puppet, where'd you go? This one feels different from the usual newbie.

ㄴMartial God) Ah, this one's a real nutcase lol.

ㄴArchmage) They appear to have talent for the magic arts.

ㄴDungeon Rogue) (An emote of a twin-tailed character rubbing their chin with a question mark over their head.)

ㄴHeretic Exterminator) N-nice to meet you!

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Hey, are you a lunatic?

ㄴVampire Princess) This newbie's condition is exceedingly peculiar!

“No, that's hurtful. What are you even seeing...?”

I had only posted one greeting, yet everyone was treating me like some weirdo.

Besides, it wasn't even the kind of post that deserved that treatment, was it?

Just as my hurt feelings and curiosity grew, the fixed username Puppetmaster appeared and explained why.

ㄴPuppetmaster) According to the IRG First Post Algorithm, there is a 78% chance they aren't in their right mind.

ㄴPuppetmaster) Given the stark difference between the title and body tones, there is a 63% chance of extreme emotional shifts.

“What the hell is this bastard?”

My heart, full of hurt feelings and curiosity, was engulfed in blazing flames.

ㄴAmor Fati) Who are you to judge me?

ㄴPuppetmaster) 63% -> 92%

ㄴVampire Princess) LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Damn it.

Only after leaving the comment did I realize I had made the worst move possible.

This was a deranged old-timer gallery built on endless cliquishness.

People always sided with their own.

In other words, my judgment that I would automatically be doted on because I was fresh blood had been wrong from the start.

Everyone was busy agreeing with whatever Puppetmaster commented and making fun of me.

“So that's how you're going to play it.”

I immediately stopped commenting.

It wasn't because I had lost a flame war and run away with my tail tucked.

You IRG regulars can play there for the rest of your lives.

This newbie is going into the Tower.

Let's see who comes out on top.

That was how I tried to close the IRG.

Hadn't everyone thought something like this once as a child?

That childish sulk of, “If I run away from home, my parents will come looking for me in tears, right?”

Though in my case, it would have been the director of the orphanage.

Anyway.

Once I deliberately went back to only lurking and stopped leaving comments, a reaction began to come.

[Ah, sorry, newbie. It's just been so long.]

[Author: Martial God]

Don't go anywhere. Play with us a little longer.

When else would we get the chance to tease a newbie?

If your feelings were hurt, we'll apologize.

ㄴPuppetmaster) Newbie. Sorry. I only copy-pasted the results produced by the algorithm.

ㄴAmor Fati) No, you're still saying I'm not in my right mind.

ㄴPuppetmaster) That's better.

ㄴAmor Fati) ?

ㄴSolo Hero*) Yeah, that's right. It's better if you're not a normal human.

ㄴVampire Princess) You might not be human at all, might you?

ㄴAmor Fati) No, I'm human at least. And what do you mean it's better if I'm not a normal human?

ㄴSolo Hero*) Sane newbies don't even last a hundred years before their minds break and they hit the suicide button.

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) This is fr lol.

“What is this suicide button?”

A vicious phrase had come up as casually as could be.

ㄴAmor Fati) Suicide button?

ㄴSolo Hero*) You don't need to know yet. If your regression gets tangled like that dungeon guy's, send me a private message. I'll make it easy for you.

These people were crazy.

So euthanasia was an option!

I could say with certainty that I would never press a button like that.

But even with that button available, was Dundo, Dungeon Rogue's fixed username, delaying euthanasia just to hang around the gallery?

That fixed username was not a normal person either.

ㄴAmor Fati) No chance that'll happen;;

ㄴSolo Hero*) Good.

Anyway, I roughly understood the situation.

Their way of doting on me was just a little different.

They all liked me!

However, there was still one thing I didn't understand.

ㄴAmor Fati) But before that Puppetmaster even said anything, everyone was already looking at me strangely. Why, exactly?

ㄴMartial God) Simple. Newbies normally don't write like you do.

ㄴAmor Fati) Then how do they write?

ㄴMartial God) You seriously don't even understand this? You really are a little messed up. I'm liking you more and more lol.

ㄴAmor Fati) ?

ㄴMartial God) Look. You died once and regressed, right?

ㄴAmor Fati) Right?

ㄴMartial God) A normal person would be so confused they couldn't even write a post. We don't get used to death either, so imagine what it's like the first time you die. Even when they do write, most posts are incoherent things like, “What happened?” and “What is this place?”

ㄴMartial God) But your first post after regressing was “Caught me”? Lol.

ㄴDungeon Rogue) I seriously thought I was seeing things.

ㄴArchmage) So that was what you meant by talent for the magic arts. Those with a screw or two loose in their heads tend to have a gift for magic.

“Is that so?”

I wasn't sure about that.

I had died so quickly that I hadn't even had time to feel any fear of death.

Still, they were choosing to think well of me, so there seemed to be no need to correct them.

Once I got somewhat used to the atmosphere, hanging around the gallery was far more fun than I had imagined.

Maybe because it wasn't an ordinary gallery.

Even my intense desire to enter the Tower seemed to have temporarily slipped out of sight.

As I bantered with the many IRG users and naturally settled into the clique, the head mod left a meaningful comment.

ㄴSolo Hero*) Anyway, let's get the initiation started soon.

ㄴMartial God) Ah, right. We should do the initiation.

ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Wow! I'm looking forward to it!

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Let's go, let's go, let's go~

ㄴVampire Princess) An initiation after so long! How exciting!

ㄴDungeon Rogue) Ha, has it been 700 years? Newbie Maker's new season is here lol.

ㄴPuppetmaster) There is less than a 2% chance this newbie will drop out.

ㄴArchmage) I will make sure you walk the path of magic.

After the head mod's comment, the atmosphere in the gallery heated up.

“Newbie Maker?”

From the way they talked, it sounded like everyone was ready to shower me with warm support and handouts.

“I don't dislike that kind of support!”

They had already noticed, but you still had to pretend not to know and let off a subtle newbie scent for the support to become more generous.

[What exactly does this initiation involve?]

[Author: Amor Fati]

Yeah.

ㄴSolo Hero*) Basically, you explain your world's setting and record and upload your first battle video.

ㄴSolo Hero*) That way, we can judge what talents you have and help you.

“Aha!”

The initiation was a process of taking my measurements.

In other words, they would pass down the secret martial arts manual that fit me perfectly!

My nose stung.

Was I allowed to be this happy?

The world really was a beautiful place.

Especially the IRG.

I immediately and carefully wrote out my world's setting in the IRG.

ㄴPuppetmaster) There is a 78% probability that the regression point will be fixed upon clearing a certain floor.

ㄴHeretic Exterminator) You have to climb the Tower alone ㅠㅠ We'll always be with you, so you won't be lonely!

ㄴHeretic Exterminator) By the way, are you a brother or a sister?

ㄴPoisoned My Blade) This is difficult. I don't think you'll be able to develop many routes.

ㄴArchmage) No matter how I look at it, this difficulty seems abnormally high.

ㄴMartial God) I agree with the old man's assessment. Newbie, don't climb floors carelessly. If you save your regression point wrong, you'll be seriously screwed.

ㄴDungeon Rogue) I know that well, yeah.

ㄴMartial God) ....

ㄴVampire Princess) Solo play is Hell difficulty for Infinite Regressors like us....

ㄴSolo Hero*) Not necessarily. But solo play from the beginning is definitely much harder.

Most of the gallery users expected my world's difficulty to be high.

“Even better.”

If I could coast, I would coast.

If it was difficult, games were still fun in their own way.

ㄴAmor Fati) No worries.

ㄴAmor Fati) So how do I record and upload a video?

ㄴSolo Hero*) Go into the gallery menu. In order, you'll find private messages, screenshots, and recording.

ㄴAmor Fati) Okay, got it. This newbie will be right back!!