WeTried Translations
Translator/Editor: Irevi
Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried
◈ I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With ◈
Chapter 22: I Think I’m Going Insane (2)
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Just as I was about to open the Infinite Regression Gallery, cold sweat running down my back,
Pinocchia approached me with a bright smile after finishing her language lessons.
Then something so shocking came out of her mouth that I couldn't possibly describe it.
Hearing Pinocchia speak in that tone made it impossible to describe at all.
“...?”
For a moment, I blanked out, wondering if I had finally gone insane.
Then I belatedly realized what had caused this disaster.
Over her shoulder, a video was playing on the monitor. It was from a channel where a warm-looking bearded man read community posts aloud.
* * *
There had been a minor mishap.
When I checked YouTube's watch history, I found that Pinocchia had kept learning from recommended videos.
After finding a YouTuber who read community posts and reacted entertainingly, she must have liked him enough to search for community-related videos on her own.
Then she got into forbidden literature, and the corrupted algorithm thoroughly wrecked Pinocchia's artificial brain. That was the story so far.
“Bad words. Those are bad words. No.”
“Waaah...”
Maybe because I'd scolded her sternly, Pinocchia sat back down in front of the computer and started watching videos again, visibly dejected.
Puppetmaster had said her emotions appeared directly in the color of her chest, hadn't she?
Just as she'd said, a gloomy gray light leaked from around Pinocchia's heart.
For reference, the video I put on this time was a standard maid-concept virtual streamer video, so surely nothing could go wrong.
In fact, Pinocchia watched with a look that said, “This time, for sure!” as she dyed the core in her chest a brilliant gold.
I watched over Pinocchia as she absorbed virtual streamer speech and opened the Infinite Regression Gallery.
As expected, the first thing I saw was a post Puppetmaster had plastered all over the Gallery.
[Guys, come look at this quick]
[Author: Puppetmaster]
(Thumbnail of a glowing model kit in a dark space)
This is a “model kit” finished with glow-in-the-dark spray.
The design is truly amazing.
I can only admire whoever came up with this.
It feels like I've glimpsed one aspect of the aesthetics in Newbie's world.
Seeing a little human statuette inside, I can roughly estimate its size.
There is a type of giant doll called a Gigant in our world too, but how should I put this?
I never could've imagined a bipedal humanoid Gigant.
I can't even begin to understand how they solved problems with balance, load distribution, cooling, vibration, and so on.
It feels like my stagnant artistic talent has entered a new phase.
ㄴSolo Hero*) Wow, what is that? It looks like a knight in full armor.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Ugh, now there are two people flexing.
ㄴDungeon Rogue) Hmm... Is it really that impressive? You can't even eat it, can you?
ㄴPuppetmaster) lol
ㄴDungeon Rogue) No, I genuinely don't know. Is making it and displaying it the end of it? I think a Chocolate Bar that melts softly on your tongue is more amazing;;
ㄴPuppetmaster) lololol
Since I hadn't explained it in detail, Puppetmaster seemed to think the G*ndam model kit was a small-scale version of a real giant doll, a Gigant.
I didn't bother correcting her.
The very next post had a thumbnail showing workshops across the entire Ark being put to work to make the real thing.
A life-size G*ndam was impossible to resist.
“Ah.”
I almost got distracted by the construction site for a life-size giant robot, every man's dream, and forgot the main issue.
Pinocchia's language model patch Ver. 2 was installing in real time, so her speech problem was settled for now.
‘Split Thought.’
That was the problem.
It was definitely a skill I needed, but no matter how I looked at it, it didn't seem like something a sane person could handle.
[Newbie emergency!!!]
[Author: Amor Fati]
I opened the A-rank skill I got as a reward, and it was called Split Thought?
It splits your sense of self in two. I won't get mental illness if I use it often, right?
The Monolith message says there is no penalty, but my mouth moved on its own and it scared the fuck out of me;;
ㄴSolo Hero*) It depends on the person. But Newbie, you should be careful if possible. I've seen a lot of people go crazy doing that...
ㄴMartial God) Uh, it differs depending on the case. Like the head mod said, it's a skill that can easily turn you into a wreck, but it's not bad if you use it well.
ㄴMartial God) But surely you're not going to stay split into two selves for the rest of your life? If you are, that's an emergency. You need to press the Regression Button immediately;;
ㄴArchmage) There are spells like that, so please explain a little more thoroughly.
ㄴAmor Fati) It's an on-off skill. It feels like my sense of self splits in two when I turn it on? I'm fine when I turn it off, but it's scary as fuck when I turn it on...
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) B-Brother! Quickly, the regression button!
ㄴPuppetmaster) ? We puppeteers learn that skill as a basic.
ㄴPuppetmaster) Splitting your thoughts is essential if you want to control more dolls.
ㄴPuppetmaster) Newbie, are you going to become a puppeteer while you're at it?!
ㄴDungeon Rogue) Newbieevenifyoubecomeasplitpersonalitydon'tforgetI'llalwaysbeonyourside!
From the mood of the replies, it seemed that permanently staying split was bad, while turning it on and off was at least safe?
It was ambiguous.
It would be too unfair if the A-rank skill I'd finally gotten was trash.
Just when I needed more detailed information, two genuinely helpful comments appeared.
They were from Poisoned My Blade and Vampire Princess.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) lololol this is my specialty
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Hyung will lay it out for you. Can you talk to the split self?
ㄴAmor Fati) Yeah
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Okay, then it's simple. It's a good thing that it's an on-off skill. If the split self hasn't changed when you turn it off and on again, you can use it.
ㄴAmor Fati) Explain a little more.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) In other words, as long as the split self is still “you,” you can keep using it. Your training efficiency will probably double, even. But if one of those split selves feels a little off? If it feels like it's not you? Never use that skill again.
ㄴAmor Fati) (“Ahh, I understand perfectly” reaction image)
“So that’s the key.”
I'd be screwed if the self split by the skill became corrupted.
If it reset whenever I turned it off and on again, it was fine.
“Thank goodness that was simple and clear.”
ㄴAmor Fati) But how do you know that much? Have you used it too?
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) I didn't because it felt sketchy, but some people around me have.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) MegaCorp employees usually put dual-thought chips in their heads to increase work efficiency.
ㄴAmor Fati) What the fuck;; Are those people all okay?
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Yeah, it's already proven safe technology.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Corruption does happen, but it's fine if you reset regularly.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Though our world doesn't have technology sophisticated enough for two selves to talk to each other like yours.
Poisoned My Blade really was from a cyberpunk world.
Putting a chip in your head and thinking in two parallel streams was just a basic implant there.
That was reassuring in its own way.
Besides, as expected of an A-rank skill, mine seemed to be a superior version.
Then Vampire Princess added her support to Poisoned My Blade's opinion.
ㄴVampire Princess) Newbie, don't worry too much. Didn't you obtain an A-rank skill with great difficulty? Draw blood before and after activating Split Thought.
“Huh?”
It did reassure me when she told me not to worry.
‘But why draw blood?’
Could Vampire Princess analyze blood through the Infinite Regression Gallery screen?
Like a shaman who saw a photo and loudly declared that something sinister would emerge?!
Unable to contain my curiosity, I left a comment.
ㄴAmor Fati) Blood? Can you analyze something just by looking at the color of my blood?
ㄴVampire Princess) How could I know anything just by seeing the color;;
ㄴVampire Princess) You have Puppetmaster's automaton, Pinocchia.
ㄴVampire Princess) Draw blood before activating Split Thought, then draw more after activating it and have her analyze it.
ㄴVampire Princess) Multiple personalities and corruption of the self also affect the body.
“Ohh.”
I looked at Pinocchia, who was diligently watching virtual streamer videos.
A masterpiece really did have every kind of function built in.
That certainly put my mind at ease.
It felt like I had several safety measures in place.
‘I heard that some people with multiple personalities are fine, but become prone to diabetes when their personality changes!’
Of course, I didn't know if that was true.
I'd seen it while scrolling through Shorts.
Anyway.
There was no problem using it right away.
As long as I reset periodically, everything would be fine.
I could even check whether the split self had become corrupted.
‘Then, should I draw some blood?’
Just as I was about to look for a blood-drawing syringe,
Grrrumbble.
My stomach started clamoring for food.
‘Come to think of it, I was out cold for four hours while opening the Skill Jewel, wasn't I?’
I should eat first.
“Pinocchia.”
“Yes!”
When I called her, Pinocchia snapped her head toward me like an owl.
‘Whoa, that startled me.’
She might be indistinguishable from a human in appearance, but she definitely was a doll.
“Master! Is this a new mission?”
Her eyes sparkled as she waited for me to give her a new task.
This was quite a satisfying result.
Was it because the basic patch had gone through?
I'd only been on the Infinite Regression Gallery for a little while, but she was speaking normally.
“Uh, it's not a mission. Let's eat. Do you know how to cook?”
“Fufufu. This automaton Pinocchia can do anything, you know? Just leave it to me, Master!”
...So the patch wasn't completely done yet.
Still, it was fortunate that she could cook.
As a man living alone, I'd eaten nothing but delivery food or ramen every day.
Food made by a beautiful woman, who was actually a decisive battle weapon automaton.
How could I not look forward to that?
Now then, shall we witness the magnificent cooking skills of Puppetmaster's masterpiece, Pinocchia?
“I'll look forward to it, Pinocchia.”
“Yes, Master! I will definitely complete my mission!”
She clenched her fist confidently and grinned.
* * *
[Has Puppetmaster lost it?]
[Author: Amor Fati]
(Thumbnail of Pinocchia holding a cockroach to her mouth)
I asked her to cook, and she suddenly started collecting cockroaches to make protein bars;;;
What the hell do you eat in your Ark?
ㄴSolo Hero*) Ah, I laughed so fucking hard. Seriously, lolololololololol
ㄴMartial God) lolololololololololol
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) I've always felt this, but Newbie's world is definitely a comedy genre;;
ㄴVampire Princess) Aaaaaaah!!!!!! Disgusting! Put up a warning!!
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Ah... Cockroaches are an excellent source of protein, Brother.
ㄴDungeon Rogue) IlaughedsohardIspilledmyChocolateBar....
ㄴArchmage) Haven't I told you again and again, lol. I knew that thing would cause trouble someday, lol.
ㄴPuppetmaster) No, what the fuck, that can't be;; I definitely locked the protein bar creation function...
ㄴPuppetmaster) Did the function lock come undone during the Trade?
ㄴPuppetmaster) Newbie, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry! I-I didn't expect this!
ㄴAmor Fati) Okay, okay, calm down first;;
ㄴAmor Fati) Pinocchia says those are a staple food in your Ark. Is that true?
ㄴPuppetmaster) Uh... Yes. They reproduce quickly, and they're nutritionally decent ingredients...
ㄴAmor Fati) Fuck, you should've asked for food instead of a model kit.
ㄴPuppetmaster) I-I'm sorry. I'm not very interested in food...
‘Damn it.’
Even now!
Even now, I didn't understand the Infinite Regression Gallery users!
‘How can taste and ingredients not matter as long as you get nutrients? What is wrong with their heads?’
Thinking about how the cockroaches had scuttled out when Pinocchia tore up the wallpaper, sink, and everything else to prepare food...
‘Aaaaaah!’
Stop.
Stop overthinking, Muppippi.[1]
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“...I didn't want to know. I really didn't.”
They said ignorance was bliss.
Who would've thought I'd been living with this many cockroaches?
Thanks to the Infinite Regression Gallery users, I'd gained a second trauma.
The first was the smell attack, and the second was the swarm of cockroaches scuttling around.
“Haah.”
“Waaah! I'm sorry, Master.”
For reference, Pinocchia had stuck herself against the wall with both hands raised as punishment for failing her mission.
The torn wallpaper and broken sink had been immediately restored with a swish, swoosh, so that wasn't an issue.
“Get up, Pinocchia. These things happen. Yes, they do.”
“Uuugh...”
“Get up and catch every cockroach left in this house, okay? I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.”
“Y-Yes! I will definitely fulfill my mission! I won't make a mistake this time!”
A little pink and gold mixed into the gloomy blue glow of her core.
Anticipation and responsibility, maybe?
Pinocchia opened her eyes wide and began searching every corner of the house.
Fwoosh, fwoosh! Fwoosh!
“Haah.”
My appetite had completely vanished.
Leaving Pinocchia to move around dazzlingly, I looked at the A-rank magic stone on the living room table.
‘It's just my imagination that my head suddenly hurts, right?’
Rubbing my forehead, I seriously considered my future regression routine.
“Yes, I just need to teach her. One thing at a time, slowly.”
I had to instill modern common sense in her so she could take that magic stone to the Management Bureau and sell it.
For a moment, I considered how to teach proper modern common sense to this blank-slate child.
Then Pinocchia approached me with puffed-out cheeks and saluted.
“Mastew! I found them all!”
You're cute, Pinocchia.
If only cockroach antennae weren't sticking out between your lips.
“Uh, good. Chew them thoroughly.”
“Yes!”
Crunch, crunch, chomp, crack.
“...”
Covering my ears with a pained expression, I went into the bathroom.
Why did this feel more exhausting than playing the Monolith?
* * *
Late at night, while Lee Han-gyeol slept.
Creeeak.
The bedroom door slowly opened, and Pinocchia slipped inside.
Her master was so deeply asleep that he wouldn't wake even if someone carried him away.
“...”
Her blue eyes glowed as she stared intently at her softly sleeping master.
“Heheh.”
Lee Han-gyeol instinctively furrowed his brow slightly and shifted in his sleep.
Footnotes:
[1] “Muppippi” echoes the nicknames used in Korean Gigachad memes, where an imaginary macho mentor offers encouragement. Here, he is giving himself a joking pep talk: “Stop overthinking, buddy.”
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