WeTried Translations

Translator: Goku

Editor: Sty

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◈ The War Hero in the NTR Game Wants to Die ◈

Chapter 019

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Fading Flowers (7)

I can't take it anymore.

...I just hate myself for immediately thinking of killing whatever bothers me in front of me.

This isn't a battlefield anymore.

I barely returned alive, living with just my life intact, without any honor or glory... and then I desperately clung to what little trace of myself remained, only for it to turn out like this.

What on earth did I survive for?

What did I want to see that made me come all this way?

Always the same words.

Always words that are no different.

Words that repeatedly flowed through my mind countless times.

What's the point of remembering such things?

But the thoughts don't stop.

Unless I'm so steeped in alcohol that I can't recall anything, thoughts never disappear from my mind.

Not a single person treats me like a human.

From the man called my father, the child called my sibling, the fiancée I'd been with for a long time, to everyone around me.

They don't even have the slightest respect.

Even those who value status don't acknowledge me.

Because that idiot family head, God knows what he thinks of his child, even openly called me trash at official gatherings.

Those who value ability only look at the past.

Because until I returned from the battlefield, I was indeed an incompetent idiot.

But can those who don't believe what they see or hear claim to value ability?

How did I even survive and return from that damn hell?

How many enemies did I crush there?

If it weren't for me, the war wouldn't even be over yet.

If they're so afraid of some Sword Saint or whatever, shouldn't they be afraid of me too?

Just look at them, praised by people for merely cutting down a few large magical beasts.

It's utterly laughable.

While I was stuffing that fucking rye bread down my throat on the front lines, I killed so many generals who were all quite famous among those fucking pointy-eared bastards that I couldn't even count them.

I killed at least hundreds of enemies with my own hands.

Feeling each life fade away through my fingertips.

Yet they look at me, painted over only by rumors and reputation.

They look at the worm-like 'Riehen,' not me.

With everyone looking at me with such eyes, how did I manage to live all this time?

How on earth was Riehen, who was just weak until I arrived, living?

You know. Even without having to ask again.

Because Arin was by his side.

Because there was a child who, while everyone else was choking him to death, at least allowed him to breathe.

Did I just call that savior a prostitute?

Where else in the world would there be such a fucked-up bastard?

Expecting her to be fine on my own accord, and then getting disappointed on my own accord.

You idiot bastard.

I clearly told the Count, didn't I?

That it didn't matter even if she was working as a prostitute, just bring her to me.

But... but just the fact that Arin was with someone else, not me, I simply can't bear it.

What was I expecting?

Did I think she'd be here quietly catching magical beasts, running errands, and waiting for me?

I knew better than anyone that Arin, who left to achieve success and become a great adventurer, wouldn't be like that.

The words I meant to say to that child, they all came out twisted.

Were you okay? Haven't you had it hard? I'll take care of you now, so you can live comfortably. Even though I kept such words inside to say them, I foolishly expected things on my own, huh?

You worm-like bastard.

I shouldn't have said anything at all.

I shouldn't have given in to my emotions.

I wanted to become the person others desired, yearned for.

Because I wanted to find Arin looking so cool.

Where on earth should a weak person like me reside?

Everywhere I go, everyone's busy pushing me away.

Cornering me, pushing me further.

They don't even listen to what I have to say; everyone's busy spouting their own words.

Without even considering how the listener feels.

"...Ah, it hurts... Riehen, ugh, ugh..."

A choking sound, as if coming from very far away.

I closed my eyes once and opened them.

When I came to my senses, I was pushing Arin against the wall, my hand on her neck.

Arin could have just used magic or whatever to blast me away, but she was just hitting my arm, dangling against the wall.

"Ugh, ugh, cough, hack... cough!"

I don't remember when I reached out my hand.

My body moved first, before my mind could even think of anything.

Just as it had been on the front lines.

Because anything that makes me uncomfortable or causes trouble must be removed.

Can this even be called a habit?

How my hand just shoots out, and I immediately think of killing someone.

As I loosened my grip, Arin, who had been barely clinging to the wall, collapsed onto the floor.

Then, with tear-filled eyes, she looked up at me.

I saw myself reflected in the eyes I had so desperately wanted to see again.

I was a mess.

There was no light left in my eyes, and my face was so hollow that I didn't look like a living person at all.

Right. I was a high-ranking person.

The eldest son of the Ducal House, a Gryan, a professor dropped in by nepotism.

Arin was in a position where it was hard for her to even speak to me first.

There's no way she could blast me away with magic or anything.

"...Get out."

"...Are you kicking me out?"

"Right now, that's... that's it."

It reminded me that she had said she was quite successful in her own way.

"It must be important to you. Go home today and come to work tomorrow."

Hearing those words, Arin gave a relieved smile and then bowed her head deeply while still slumped on the floor.

As if she didn't want to show her expression.

Then, after steadying her breath for a long time, she slowly and unsteadily got up and left the professor's office.

The sound of the door closing echoed unusually loudly.

And then again, it became unbearably quiet.

Staring blankly at the empty space, I felt like I had become the same kind of human as that family head, and it was fucked up.

My hands, which had been trembling so much earlier that I couldn't even light a cigarette properly, were now, unbelievably, not trembling at all.

With those steady hands, I took out a cigarette from my pocket, lit it, clamped it between my lips, and inhaled deeply.

Even trying to force it deep into my lungs, my mind simply wouldn't settle.

Staring blankly out the window, I smoked the burning cigarette.

The exhaled smoke slowly drifted out through the open window crack and dissipated.

Like that smoke, I also wanted to just dissipate.

I needed alcohol.

This wasn't even a position I snuck into with the intention of working.

Because that crazy woman, the Pope or whatever, suddenly put me here.

I stubbed out the half-burnt cigarette and left the professor's office.

Perhaps because it's a place where all sorts of people from across the continent gather, the streets were bustling even late at night.

Humans and non-humans mingled together, laughing and chatting, sounds of hawking and clinking glasses pouring from all directions.

I bought a few bottles of strong liquor from a roadside shop and slowly made my way to the professors' building.

Though I considered going to sleep in the mansion Adel had provided... I didn't feel like taking a carriage.

As soon as I entered my assigned professor's office, I twisted open a bottle cap and, without a glass, leaned against the window and began to drink straight from the bottle.

Even as my throat burned, it felt strangely refreshing.

The sun slowly set, and lamps were lit one by one.

The lamplight blurred with the alcohol, constantly doubling and tripling.

One bottle, two bottles.

Only after emptying about four bottles did the thoughts that had been densely filling my mind finally begin to thin out a bit.

The feel of my hand on Arin's neck, her tear-filled eyes, my messed-up face reflected within them.

Slowly loosening in the strong alcohol, their outlines blurred.

* * *

Someone shook me awake.

Rubbing my eyes, I slowly got up and raised my head, and it was Arin.

She came closer to me and whispered in my ear.

In a voice so small it was almost ticklish.

"Riehen. Wake up."

I must still have been dreaming.

After we said those things to each other yesterday, there's no way this would be happening.

I hugged the blurry Arin in front of me tightly.

She, as always... gently patted my back and said softly.

"...I said, wake up."

No matter what I was doing, what state I was in, or if I had run away from the mansion, it was as if none of it mattered, and I hugged her for a long time like that.

Then Arin, this time... spoke in a rather loud voice.

"Professor Gryan. Someone who came to see you is waiting outside."

As soon as I heard that, I lifted my head.

Arin, whom I thought was still in my arms, had somehow stepped back, looking down at me with a slightly troubled expression.

Was that just my alcohol-soaked mind conjuring things up?

Still, I felt the lingering effects of the alcohol subsiding a bit.

"...Ah. Right."

Inside the room, the desk I had broken was still lying scattered.

Had we decided to pretend that nothing had happened yesterday?

"Tell them to come in."

Arin went and opened the door, then bowed her head respectfully and retreated back to huddle in the corner.

A man entered.

He had an ordinary face, the kind one might have passed by anywhere, thus utterly unremarkable.

He glanced at the scattered liquor bottles by the window, then shifted his gaze to Arin in the corner.

"I need to deliver quite important news, so I would be grateful if you, Sister, would step outside."

"Yes."

Arin bowed her head respectfully and went outside.

The man, after confirming the door was closed, finally turned his body towards me.

I started first.

"Did Her Holiness send you?"

"Rather than saying she sent me, I came because Her Holiness said she sent you, Brother."

"But seeing me in such a state... you must be a little disappointed?"

"Aren't you someone personally chosen by Her Holiness? I believe that whatever actions you take are all meaningful."

The man placed a hand on his chest and bowed his head slightly.

"I have been commanded to be your hands and feet, Brother. To serve you is to serve Her Holiness. Therefore, do you have anything you wish to ask me separately, or any instructions for me?"

I pressed my throbbing temples and stood up.

I stumbled for a moment, my balance lost, but then managed to regain it.

I took a cigarette from my pocket, put it in my mouth, and lit it.

"...If there are any suspicious individuals among the students, please compile a list and hand it over. I'll investigate it myself."

"You are wise. Also, I anticipated you would ask and have already compiled a preliminary list."

The man nodded as if he had been waiting, then took out a document from his pocket and handed it to me.

On the paper I received, a few students' names and a few lines of personal details were written.

"If needed, I will call for you, so you may withdraw for now."

The man bowed his head respectfully once more and exited through the door.

After his footsteps completely faded, I casually tossed the paper I had received onto the debris of the broken desk.

A single sheet of paper, on which it might be decided who lives and who dies, landed obliquely on the broken wood.

Rather than such things... what should I say when Arin comes in, felt more important.

With what expression, and with what heart, should I face her?

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