WeTried Translations
Translator/Editor: Irevi
Discord: https://dsc.gg/wetried
◈ I Became the Upbeat Newbie the Infinite Regressors Are Obsessed With ◈
Chapter 30: The Wife Competition
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I opened my eyes.
A familiar... no.
By now, it was a ceiling I could almost say I missed.
In other words, not the ceiling of my new home, but the ceiling of my studio apartment.
This must have been the moment I returned to my apartment with Pinocchia after clearing the first floor.
I only spent a moment cooling down from the battle and reviewing it.
Then I thought,
‘All right...’
I had the information on the second floor for now.
All I had to do was devote the remaining week to training and work out a strategy with the Infinite Regression Gallery members.
There was only one question filling my mind.
‘Does Pinocchia retain her memories from before the regression?’
Perhaps this moment was the most important crossroads in my entire life as an Infinite Regressor.
I slowly got out of bed and looked at Pinocchia.
Blink, blink.
Her distinctive silver hair streaked with blue.
And that innocent expression, utterly ignorant of the ways of the world.
She had not even opened her mouth, but I already knew the answer.
“Mastah!”
“...”
Right. So that was how it was.
‘Well, I expected it, didn’t I?’
There had been plenty of reasons to think so.
What was the definition of an Infinite Regressor?
Was only the person triggering the regression an Infinite Regressor?
Then was a sentient being aware of infinite regression not an Infinite Regressor?
If Pinocchia became aware of infinite regression, what would happen to Archmage’s theory about regression points resetting due to a collision between timelines?
Did an item’s classification include even its soul and memories?
Why had the Monolith used causality to Awaken Pinocchia?
The answer was clear.
Pinocchia was not aware of infinite regression.
With the world seeming to crumble around me, I was about to take a big spoonful of despair stew... Like hell I was.
My mental state was not fragile enough to fall apart over this.
If it were, I would have broken down during my first Run already.
Still.
Honestly, I was very disappointed.
A little empty too.
But what could I do?
This was how things had turned out.
All I could do was make the best memories possible every time.
“Ahh, what am I supposed to do with you?”
“Mm? Mastah! !@$$!$??”
“Yeah, yeah. Wait a moment.”
It seemed my regression routine for this Run had been decided.
Just as in the previous Run, I pointed at the Skill Jewel, the computer, and the clock while gesturing wildly.
“Skill Jewel! I use this, pass out! Four! Four! Four hours! While that time, Pinocchia, that! Language! Mouth! Learn!”
This time, I needed to make sure she properly absorbed a VTuber way of speaking from the beginning.
Maybe I could have her pick up that fancy “sawayo” way of speaking now and then, too![1]
‘I’ll let you eat lots of delicious things this time too, Pinocchia.’
Just as I was about to turn on YouTube for her.
“Hm?”
Pinocchia tilted her head sideways.
“Hmmm.”
She scrunched up her brow and began thinking deeply.
“!”
This was different.
Her reaction was different from the previous Run.
‘She definitely babbled nonsense about learning with her mouth or something last time?’
My heart began pounding.
Pinocchia thought hard for a while, then slowly opened her mouth.
“...!#%...!@#!@????”
I could not understand what she said because of all the nonsense language, but one thing was certain.
Pinocchia was trying to remember something in this situation!
“Uh, Pinocchia! Did something come back to you?!”
“Hmm? Hmmm?!”
Good heavens!
‘This is insane!’
I grabbed Pinocchia by the shoulders and shook her.
‘Yes! Pinocchia! That’s it! Your memories from the previous Run! Tell me!’
Of course!
‘Just don’t mention infinite regression!!!’
Unfortunately, Pinocchia seemed unable to remember anything despite trying. She shrugged.
‘Right, this is not the time. I need to teach her language first and talk to her afterward.’
You know those clichés from anime or dramas, where someone with amnesia regains their memories because people keep talking to them?
I was about to sit Pinocchia in front of the computer when it happened.
Ding!
A clear Infinite Regression Gallery notification sounded.
It was different from a comment notification.
Before I could even open the Infinite Regression Gallery myself, it opened automatically before my eyes.
‘Usually, this only happens when the Gallery wants to tell me something.’
I calmed my pounding heart.
The Infinite Regression Gallery showed me its menu screen.
ㄴDirect Messages
ㄴScreenshots
ㄴRecording
ㄴCross-dimensional trading feature
ㄴLocked (lock emoji) (60% until unlock)
ㄴLocked (lock emoji) *
ㄴLocked (lock emoji)
Of the three locked functions, a Red Dot blinked beside the second.
Anyone who had played mobile games would understand.
That was a prompt.
Red Dots were strangely annoying. They made you want to erase them compulsively. Was that not basic human instinct?
In other words, the Infinite Regression Gallery was telling me this.
For now, shut up and keep working hard until I unlocked the second locked function.
I did not know what it was, but it gave off a strong feeling of memory inheritance or something like that.
It was thrilling.
A whole new kind of dopamine surged through me, different from when I entered the Monolith.
“Right. There’s always only one answer. I just have to play the Monolith.”
“Mm? Mastah! !@$@%@$?”
I ruffled Pinocchia’s hair, then kissed the air.
Mwah!
“I acknowledge you, IRG!”
Pinocchia seemed delighted. Pink light scattered from her as she repeated my words like a parrot.
“IRG!”
I was normally all about true love, you know.
But I would acknowledge you.
“IRG, you’ve earned the right to enter the Wife Competition.”
“Wife!”
It could give Monolith, the main heroine, a real challenge!
Sadistic, haughty beauty Monolith versus the prickly childhood-friend type Infinite Regression Gallery, who still looked after me when it counted.
‘There was a reason classics lasted forever!’
As I rejoiced over the Infinite Regression Gallery’s support, Pinocchia also seemed excited. She babbled nonsense and celebrated with me.
“!@%!#!$!!”
She did not know what I was saying, but she could tell I was happy, so she jumped up and down with joy.
I hugged Pinocchia and bounced up and down with her.
We hugged each other tightly and giggled for a while.
Then I released her, turned her head, and sat her down in the chair.
“Still, we have things to do.”
“????”
Pinocchia seemed a little disappointed that I had suddenly stopped hugging her and made her sit in the chair.
As I watched Pinocchia viewing a VTuber video, I decided to share this happy news with the Infinite Regression Gallery.
With a broad smile, I wrote a post.
[I regressed, but Pinocchia isn’t aware of the regression]
[Author: Amor Fati]
(Screenshot of the Infinite Regression Gallery Red Dot)
But what was this?
A Red Dot was blinking openly on a locked privilege function?
Hey, newbie~~~ lololololololololololololol
(A bizarre frog sticker whose outfit keeps changing wildly)
Newbies can even get memory inheritance as a privilege, lololol
And this is not some wild fantasy. It appeared while Pinocchia was trying to remember something.
I’ll have her learn language first, just in case, then talk to her properly tomorrow.
As expected, the Infinite Regression Gallery definitely likes me!
ㄴSolo Hero*) God, thank you, truly thank you...
ㄴMartial God) Ha... seriously... ha... Newbie, lol.
ㄴSolo Hero*) This bastard’s crying. He’s crying lol.
ㄴArchmage) Wait. If Pinocchia inherits her memories later, what happens to the collision between timelines? Could that privilege itself be a function related to regression point resets?
ㄴPuppetmaster) Archmage, please read the room. Do your research later.
ㄴArchmage) Ahem, my apologies. Newbie is such an unprecedented newbie that I find myself surprised every time...
ㄴArchmage) Newbie. Truly, truly, congratulations.
ㄴArchmage) It is still a matter for the future, but a companion with whom you can share memories of regression... It makes even my heart race.
ㄴPuppetmaster) Newbie. Congratulations, truly.
ㄴPuppetmaster) By the way, am I not the best? Believe it, Newbie!
ㄴPuppetmaster) (It’s me, Puppetmaster sticker)
ㄴVampire Princess) J-just reading the title made my heart drop!!
ㄴDungeon Rogue) Aaaaaah, Newbie, seriously, congratulations!!! Honestly, it had been weighing on my mind, so this is such a relief!!!
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) You bastards, are you only congratulating him with words? It’s been a while. We should hold a Gallery contest.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Ahh...
“Ahhh.”
This was the reaction.
It was so satisfying.
It was driving me crazy.
It felt new every time.
I lay down on the couch, keeping Pinocchia within my sight.
There was nothing else to do until Pinocchia finished learning how to speak.
I had not even unboxed the Skill Jewel yet.
I spent a long time enjoying the atmosphere and immersing myself in the Gallery.
The Gallery was already holding a contest to celebrate me getting a regression companion.
Not yet, of course.
Like when I rerolled Magic Stones, everyone seemed to be preparing provocative congratulatory posts...
[Upvote if Poisoned is consistently fucking annoying lol] [6]
[Like I care lol] [12]
[Dundo is right! We Infinite Regressors should get a chance too!] [17]
[Fuck, let me participate too, Head mod!!!] [24]
Dundo and Vampire Princess objected strongly, so it became a contest everyone could join.
In the end, after wondering what kind of contest everyone could participate in, the Gallery members decided to use the Creative Writing tab.
‘I have no idea how they came to that conclusion.’
Anyway, they would write novels about my grand history of infinite regressions and choose the best one.
Naturally, I was the judge.
‘Stories about my life written by Infinite Regressors.’
This would be fun to read too.
I only wondered about the Gallery members’ writing skills for a moment.
Then Pinocchia finished learning language.
I posted information about this floor and asked the Gallery members for help.
Then I temporarily turned off Infinite Regression Gallery notifications.
It was one thing when I was alone, but this was a meal with Pinocchia, who would become my companion throughout my regressions.
From now on, I would not turn on the Infinite Regression Gallery while eating.
“Pinocchia!”
“Yes, Master!”
Good. Her speech settings had been properly patched this time without any mishaps.
“Let’s eat. Food.”
“Hehe! This automaton Pinocchia shall carry out the first mission bestowed upon her by Master-”
“Ahem. Enough.”
I interrupted Pinocchia solemnly.
‘You’re going to make protein bars out of cockroaches.’
Of course, I would have her collect cockroaches while I showered after eating.
But there was a proper order to things.
“It’s your first day in my home, so I want to feed you food I cooked myself.”
“...! Such an undeserved honor!”
“Wait nicely. I’ll have it ready soon.”
“Yes! Understood!”
Tick-tick-tick-tick!
The gas stove lit, and water began boiling in the pot.
Bubble, bubble...
It struck me again that after Pinocchia came, the sounds of everyday life had become much richer.
* * *
.
.
.
.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Why, why is that blasphemer on the second floor!!!!!!
ㄴSolo Hero*) No, where did Newbie go? That’s a mid-boss from a route Heretic Exterminator struggled through before;;
ㄴMartial God) What the fuck is that? Why is that bastard crawling out of the Tower?
ㄴArchmage) Heretic Exterminator! Are there any changes to your memories?!
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) N-no. Not particularly. Though it was such an old memory...
ㄴPuppetmaster) Probability of a duplicate: 87%, 89%, 95%...
ㄴMartial God) Could the Infinite Regression Gallery have used causality first?
ㄴPuppetmaster) Then the Infinite Regression Gallery should have given us a notification;;
ㄴDungeon Rogue) Could... the Infinite Regression Gallery be letting him study in advance?
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) Fuck, I think Dundo is right? That’s a timeline that already disappeared.
ㄴPoisoned My Blade) If Archmage is right, the final function is dimensional travel, right?
ㄴArchmage) Huuuh...
ㄴVampire Princess) Puppetmaster. What in the world is happening.....
ㄴPuppetmaster) I seriously do not know what is going on. The probability-calculating dolls and the dolls running simulations are all overloaded;;;
While Lee Han-gyeol had his comment notifications turned off and spent a happy time with Pinocchia.
The comment section was more ablaze than it had ever been.
Then someone appeared who put out that blaze in an instant.
It was Heretic Exterminator.
ㄴSolo Hero*) Hey, Heretic Exterminator, more importantly, are you okay? Because of the trauma from then, you could not even touch cooked food for a while, right?
ㄴVampire Princess) Turn off the Gallery for a while and get some rest;;
ㄴMartial God) Are you okay, Heretic Exterminator?
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) You ask whether I’m okay?
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Ufufu.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) I was briefly startled, but I am in a very good mood right now, brothers and sisters of the Infinite Regression Gallery.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Sola-Estella has looked upon us.
ㄴHeretic Exterminator) Which means it is finally my turn to shine.
Footnotes:
[1] “Sawayo” is a stylized Korean sentence ending associated with exaggeratedly polite, old-fashioned feminine speech. In anime and games, it often signals a fancy “young lady” voice. He is joking about giving Pinocchia another speech style to imitate.
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