WETRIED TRANSLATIONS
Is It Bad That the Main Character’s a Roleplayer?
[Translator – Aren]
◈ Chapter 320 If Only I Could (6)
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"He hasn’t left his room yet.”
The Young Lord, who was serving as acting lord, spoke without so much as glancing her way. It was rude in its own way, but the Archmage didn’t mind. If she had to decide who was more to blame, it was her for showing up without an appointment.
"Is he asleep?”
"I didn’t check. As you know, those with keen senses often wake from their sleep simply because an unfamiliar presence approaches.”
Even checking on him might disturb his rest, so the Young Lord explained that he’d simply left a note instead.
"I wrote that if he needed anything, he should ring the bell beside the bed…but I haven’t yet received any report that he has.”
"I see……”
The Archmage lowered her head in disappointment. More than regretting that the time she’d barely managed to free up might go to waste, she was troubled that what she needed to say to the Demon Knight would be delayed. Though, really, neither was something she had any right to regret anything.
"But why are you looking for him?”
"...It’s nothing. I simply……”
The Archmage hesitated as she looked at the Young Lord, whose voice was hoarse and eyes swollen, perhaps from working through the night.
Would it be better to tell him now? Of course, the longer she waited, the more likely it was to become a problem later……
"...Yesterday, several people held a secret meeting.”
It was too important a matter to not tell the ruler of the city, yet he looked far too exhausted for her to bring it up casually.
Caught between a rock and a hard place, the Archmage phrased it as gently and indirectly as she could. Not to protect those who had attended said meeting, but because she wanted to avoid the Young Lord being too shocked.
"Ah, did they?”
Still, she hadn’t expected him to react with such indifference.
The Archmage hesitated slightly. Had the Young Lord already predicted that something like this would happen?
"Did you know?”
"No. But I thought something like this might happen. The city is full of people more than dissatisfied with me, after all. Though it happened much sooner than I expected.”
"What?"
"Isn’t that what this is about?”
...Apparently he’d anticipated something, just not the same thing. The Archmage’s voice trailed off slightly at his cynical self-deprecation.
"That’s…not it. They gathered because they were dissatisfied with how the Demon Knight was being treated.”
"...I’m not sure I heard you correctly. Could you say that again?”
The Young Lord’s tone suddenly sharpened. The boredom he’d shown just moments ago vanished without a trace.
The Archmage felt puzzled by the sharp look in his eyes. Why does he seem angry? That was what she couldn’t understand.
"...So that’s how it turned out.”
Of course, that didn’t mean she could simply skip the report, so she carefully summarized the incident. The longer she spoke, the stiffer the Young Lord’s expression became, only relaxing again at the very end.
"Now I understand why you came to see me as soon as you had the time. Thank you.”
"I only did what I ought to do.”
Reading the Young Lord’s resolve from his expression, the Archmage thought, ‘Everyone who attended that meeting is done for.’ She didn’t feel particularly sorry for them, though.
"So…is that incident why you wanted to see him?”
"Wouldn’t he be more at ease if someone at least told him the provisional decision?”
Rather than remain on edge until the official announcement, having even a provisional result should bring him some peace of mind. At least, that was what the Archmage thought.
"But you’re busy, Young Lord, and the others will likely feel a bit awkward around him, so I thought it would be best for me, since I already know him, to tell him.”
"I suppose so.”
That, too, was merely the Archmage’s personal opinion, but the Young Lord readily agreed. The mountain of reports piled in front of him probably played no small part in that agreement.
"...I would have liked to do it myself."
The Young Lord looked slightly disappointed, then finally lowered his eyelids as though exhaustion had caught up with him.
"...A long rest is good, but skipping lunch after already missing breakfast can’t be healthy. Especially when all the soldiers are eating their fill. I’ll have the butler prepare a meal. Please talk with him in the meantime.”
"Thank you. Ah, Young Lord. I only mention this just in case, but he doesn’t eat meat. So… could I ask you to make sure no meat is served with his meal?”
"Of course. Thank you for telling me in advance to avoid any mistakes. In return, I have one request as well. If he refuses to talk, could you please not force him and leave it for another time?”
"That’s not even something that requires you to ask of me. Of course I will.”
"Thank you for understanding.”
Even so, he kept sluggishly working instead of going to sleep. The permission came with a condition, but it was only right to accept it, so the Archmage readily agreed.
"Young Lord, is there anything you would like me to tell him?”
Instead, she gave a small consideration to the Young Lord, who seemed to share some sort of connection with the Demon Knight.
"...It won’t be too late to talk later, so please just tell him to rest comfortably.”
After hesitating, the Young Lord ultimately declined. The Archmage asked no further.
"It will take some time to prepare lunch…What would you like to do?”
"...Could you brew some tea with these leaves and bring it up first?”
"Certainly.”
She called for an attendant as she escaped the chaotic office. The moment she stepped out, the people who had been waiting to give their reports poured inside, while the attendant took the pouch of tea leaves and hurried away.
All that remained was a single servant to guide her.
"...I don’t know if this is the right thing to do.”
Even as she followed the servant, the Archmage kept sinking into deep worries. She couldn’t help it. She had pushed things because she wanted to speak with him as soon as possible, but that didn’t mean she was confident this was the right choice.
What if the Demon Knight was still asleep? And what if he didn’t want to see her?
In front of the Young Lord, she’d confidently claimed that she was the better choice because she already knew him, but the truth was somewhat different.
Their last encounter had been close to the worst possible, and their relationship before that had hardly been normal either.
Perhaps the bishop he’d never met before would have been better than her.
"Is it this floor?”
"Yes. He’s staying in the room at the very end.”
"Then you can leave me here. I can go alone.”
"Are you sure you’ll be alright……?”
"I’m fine. Go on.”
Of course, judging from what the others had said, the Demon Knight probably didn’t harbor much hostility toward her. Given that he’s said he wanted to apologize, whatever negative feelings he had likely hadn’t reached the worst possible level either.
If he’d truly hated her that much, he wouldn’t even have thought about apologizing.
"...Haah."
But not hating her didn’t mean he had no grievances with her. And she had given the Demon Knight plenty of reasons to resent her.
For one, despite bearing the title of Grand Sage, she’d done so little to improve his situation that the title itself seemed laughable. She hadn't inspired enough trust for him to come to her for counsel. She hadn’t supported him to the very end when he was struggling. She hadn’t stopped the Inquisitor, allowing the two of them to clash in the end. She could have gone to apologize, yet had put it off until now……
There were so many things she’d done wrong that it was difficult even to list them all. In the end, the Archmage couldn’t bring herself to open the door and simply stood frozen in front of it.
Did she even have the right to open this door? All the experience she’d accumulated over her lifetime offered no answer to her desperate question.
"......"
‘Should I just go back now?’ She stared at the quiet hallway and the door, fidgeting with her fingers.
The fact that he’d shown no reaction to her arrival meant he was either deeply asleep or silently expressing that he didn’t want to see her. Wouldn't it be better to leave after all? The more silent her surroundings became, the stronger the urge grew. As an excuse for rationalizing her obvious defeat, it was terribly tempting.
Her feet lifted from the floor several times, only to settle back into place.
"If you have business with me, come in. Just stop pacing back and forth before the door.”
But every theory she’d come up with collapsed before the words that finally reached her.
‘He knew I was here.’ The Archmage’s hands came together unconsciously, as though in prayer.
"...May I, Demon Knight?"
But if he’d known and still hadn’t responded until now, hadn’t that been a silent rejection after all? Had he only called out because she’d kept hovering there without taking the hint?
Anxiety piled higher with every word she spoke. The Archmage’s expression grew gloomy.
"Yeah."
With nowhere left to retreat, her gloom only deepened. After hesitating, the Archmage placed her hand on the doorknob.
"...Then I’m coming in.”
She carefully opened the door. There, in a sunlit spot, sat the Demon Knight, hunched forward in a chair. Like someone lost in deep anguish, he had his elbows braced on his knees and his face covered with one arm, hiding his expression.
"If this is too much for you, we can talk another time.”
“Your time and mine are both precious. If you have something to say, then say it.”
‘I really should have come later.’ The Archmage swallowed a groan at the agony of realizing she’d made yet another mistake. The fact that she couldn’t back out now that the Demon Knight had said that only made her feel worse about herself.
"...Are you hungry?”
‘I should just tell him what the Temple and Magic Tower decided and leave.’ The Archmage resolved to do exactly that, yet her mouth did the complete opposite. It was almost embarrassing for someone her age.
"Not really."
"I-is that so?”
She’d thought the half-broken Inquisitor had been the hardest person in the world to deal with, but apparently she’d been wrong. The Archmage corrected her limited experience and clasped her hands even tighter.
"...Still, don’t skip meals. You need to eat to keep your strength up.”
Why did nothing but awkward excuses keep coming out of her mouth? She needed to state her business and leave before the Demon Knight began feeling uncomfortable, yet her mind stubbornly refused to function.
"Of course, I don’t mean you should force yourself to eat. What I mean is, even a little would—”
The Archmage kept talking in a half-dazed state, then lightly bit her tongue the moment she felt her words starting to tangle. Only then did she come back to her senses ever so slightly.
"I’m sorry."
This wasn’t what she’d come here to do.
Her hands slowly unclasped. When she raised her gaze, she saw the Demon Knight wearing an unreadable expression as he, too, had straightened his back.
“I’m truly…sorry.”
"...Why are you apologizing?”
Ah, could it be that he hadn’t even expected an apology? The Archmage’s lips parted at the thought that suddenly occurred to her. ‘I don’t even ask you to understand.’ Her old wound suddenly started gushing blood.
"...Does even an apology upset you?”
"No, that isn’t what I mean. I just…don’t understand why you’re apologizing.”
"Even after all the mistakes I’ve made toward you?”
"Well……”
The Archmage reflexively clenched her fist at the expression on his face, which looked nothing like generosity.
"Weren’t those things unavoidable?”
Those words hadn’t come from kindness.
If she had to define them, they were the result of resignation, surrender, or something along those lines.
"Then I’d rather you get angry.”
The moment she realized that, the Archmage became endlessly sad. ‘I only wanted you to cheer me on...' The person who would forever remain in the past overlapped with the young man before her, forming a heavy drop of sorrow.
"Tell me what a useless Grand Sage I am. Ask me why I couldn’t give you even enough reason to trust me, why I drove you to the point where you had no choice but to run away. At least get angry with me.”
Disappointment comes from expectation. Dislike and aversion exist because the other person still remains in one's mind. Deep resentment endures because it keeps occupying one’s thought so intensely, and hatred is called hatred because it cuts that deeply.
"...Please don’t give up on everything by saying it couldn’t be helped.”
In the end, that was what it came down to. Even negative emotions could never exist without some sort of attachment for the other person.
“Wasn’t your life too hard to simply end it that way?”
Which meant that the most frightening thing of all could only be indifference.
"Wasn’t this world too cruel for you to simply detach yourself from it……”
Yes. Giving up so completely that you could no longer place your faith in someone doing something for you, nor even allow yourself the hope of wondering, ‘Will they do it?’ That numb detachment born from learned surrender and repeated resignation……
『Where did we start going wrong?』
Reaching the end after giving up everything like that could only be the most frightening thing of all.
She gently lowered her eyelids as she touched upon the most sorrowful memory of her life. A clear droplet rolled from the inner corner of her eye. It was a tear that would never show on the outside, hidden beneath her white fur.
"...Why?”
But a certain someone’s tear was different.
"Why would you say that?”
A raindrop that had fallen unseen by the heavens slid silently down his chin. It didn’t even gather into a bead. It was so tiny and faint that only the light streaming in barely revealed its existence.
"I don’t resent you.”
"Demon Knight."
"You only fulfilled your duties, and the unrest that arose in the process was inevitable."
"Demon Knight……”
"Moreover, if we traced back the mistakes you made toward me to the very beginning, we’d see that it began with my own mistakes.”
"......"
"Then how could I resent you?”
Ah, it was the smallest yet greatest sorrow in the world.
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