WETRIED TRANSLATIONS
Is It Bad That the Main Character’s a Roleplayer?
[Translator – Aren]
◈ Chapter 333 If Only I Could (19)
「”Don’t leave this place for three days. If you try to leave, I’ll unleash Demonic Energy…” That’s what it said.」
At first, when Faust told us that, I felt something was kind of off. If Wrath had truly wanted him to run into the pursuit party. There was no reason she would have told him so directly.
And she had even gone so far as to swear that if he simply left, he would be discovered and a fight would break out. If the boy lost control while fighting the priests, that would have been nothing but good news for Wrath, so why had she tried to stop him?
Didn’t that mean the clash could have cost her more than she would’ve benefitted from it?
「Later, it even caused that terrible pain to keep me from moving.」
She had gone that far, too.
I had plenty of questions as I listened to the boy’s words, but in the end, I swallowed them all. I figured I could ask after I’d heard everything.
「...Still, they didn’t throw me out right away. I tried to tell myself that was enough. I thought one day would be enough for them to finish searching around the cabin, so I really thought it would be fine.」
But as the story heeded in that direction, I found myself at a loss for words for an entirely different reason.
「Taking advantage of the darkness, the hunter tried to kill me.」
When the boy suffered that betrayal that couldn't quite be called betrayal, whatever was keeping me silent only grew stronger. I pressed my lips together tightly, feeling his deep sorrow.
「It really was only natural. Her child had died from Demonic Errosion… In other words, because of a Demon…And even if that hadn’t happened, it would only be natural to be hostile towards a person giving off Demonic Energy.」
I wasn't the only one. Daniel, who looked like he wanted to say something, and Meister, who had been about to speak as well, ended up remaining silent and listened.
「But…But back then, back then it just hurt so much……」
Then the child who couldn’t shed tears cried using his voice instead.
「I got angry because I just felt so betrayed.」
Ah. Why did there have to be such deep-seated resentment and anguish that couldn't be resolved even by saying, ‘It couldn’t be helped'?
* * *
By the time he managed to suppress the anger that had flared up for just an instant, it was already too late. The boy couldn’t remember what had happened during that single second, but he was certain that he had done something.
-Sizzle!
There was no way that wasn’t the case when vivid flames swallowed the hunter whole.
"N-No!”
The hunter didn’t scream. Or maybe she couldn’t. The flames consumed her in an instant and vanished.
"Baucis!"
Only the scream of the hunter’s husband echoed in the boy’s ears.
"You Demon!”
The kind, gentle man was gone. All that remained was the wails and grief of a man who had lost his wife, transformed into offensive magic. A massive ball of fire lit up the room before flying straight at the boy.
Boom! He barely dodged it, leaving a huge hole blasted through the wall.
"You killed Baucis!!”
Magic took time to cast. Perhaps taking that into consideration, the hunter’s husband grabbed a dagger hanging on the wall and began swinging it wildly.
Compared to the boy, who had formally trained in swordsmanship, his technique was crude.
"I-I didn’t want this……”
But the boy couldn’t just subdue him recklessly, either. To restrain him without causing him harm required both enough skill to do so and a cold, rational mind to use that skill properly, and neither was something the boy had at the moment.
This wasn’t what I wanted.
I’d rather just let that man kill me.
But if I get hurt, the Demon will step in again.
All sorts of emotions churned and tangled wildly inside the boy’s chest. The indecision born from being unable to choose either option was like a thorn. It pierced his heart and dug into it, carving a pain beyond anything in this world into his soul. The boy’s mind drifted even farther away from reason.
"How dare you!!”
[Hmm.]
And the instant the hunter’s husband swung his blade at the boy’s head, an overwhelming agony suddenly tore through him. It was obvious who did it. The problem was that there was nothing he could do about it.
-Slash!
His weakened body had finally been directly struck by his opponent’s attack.
From his left part of his forehead to his right jaw, a massive wound split through muscle and his eye, though it failed to cut through bone.
"Aaagh!”
At that moment, the last bit of the boy’s reason disappeared, and instinct took over. He narrowly avoided having the Demon take control of the body, but that was all.
Unable to just let himself be killed, yet unable to bring himself to kill his opponent either, the boy had done nothing but deflect the attacks. Now his dagger reflexively shifted into an offensive stance and absorbed the Arcane Power shooting toward him.
A line of Demonic Energy sliced through the cabin.
"Gnhk!"
The boy was far too stunned to even see what happened next. He simply collapsed where he stood. The pain was just far too vivid for him to do anything.
-Thud.
Fortunately, no further attacks came. Well, naturally. His opponent had been struck by the boy’s attack as well.
"Uuugh……"
No, perhaps it hadn’t been quite the same after all.
"......?"
Unlike the boy, who had somehow avoided receiving any fatal damage, the other man had died instantly from that single strike.
"Ah."
Only after the blood running down the boy’s face pooled beneath him did he realize the truth. He had killed him.
* * *
「If I hadn’t chosen to stay there, if I hadn’t let myself relax and had chosen to survive on my own, if I’d handled things more wisely instead of foolishly believing the Demon… If I’d at least just suppressed my emotions in that final moment and run away immediately, they would have never died like that.」
Faust had pondered over the words ‘What if’ he had always clung to.
So it was his fault.
If only I could. If only I had.
「It was all my fault.」
Then there would have been a few fewer people who had been made miserable because of him.
「I did everything wrong……」
The boy sometimes thought about it.
If he had never been born, and the Demon had never targeted him. His family would still be alive and well. None of the disasters caused by the Demon possessing him would ever have happened. Even Gretchen would never have been dragged off to this foreign land and forced through so much suffering.
So in the end, everything was the boy’s fault. His very existence had been the root of everything. It was all his fault……
"Why is that your fault?! Why……?!”
The inquisitor who had embraced him shouted. His demeanor was as gentle as his warmth, enough to make even tears that he shouldn’t be able to shed threaten to fall, but Faust barely managed to shake his head.
「It was something I could have avoided. And yet it still ended that way because I was foolish. So it’s my responsibility. It was all my fault.」
There were clearly sins that couldn’t be forgiven merely because one was young. And so Faust didn’t turn away from his sins. From the moment Gretchen, who had known nothing, set foot in that place, he had sworn that he never would.
"This isn’t something you can call avoidable……”
"Ah…For crying out loud. I don’t even know where to start with this.”
"......"
Faust clenched his fists as he looked at the three adults grimacing in front of him. The sin carved into the earth. The Demon’s words, which almost certainly were true, still vividly rang in his ears.
"...You were only trying to choose the best path available to you at the time. You were trying to choose the option that would cause the least amount of harm and leave as few people hurt as possible. So why is that your fault…? Why is any of that your fault……?”
"Haah, seriously. You thought things through and tried your hardest to keep as few people as possible from getting involved in all of this, so how the hell is that your fault? On top of that, did you show those people any hostility? Did you try to hurt them? What did you do? They were the ones who took a hostile stance first just because you had some Demonic Energy inside of you. They were the ones who broke the agreement and ambushed you. Was defending yourself really that wrong when getting hurt would’ve made the Demon come out? No matter how I think about it, that doesn’t seem right to me."
"...They’re right. What happened was undeniably a tragedy…but that doesn’t make it your fault or your responsibility.”
"Sometimes misfortune overwhelms good intentions. That is all this was. So please, stop calling it your sin…"
But the adults once again shook the resolve he had steeled. The words they had chosen after careful thought came slowly and hesitantly, and perhaps because of that, they stuck in his ears more stubbornly.
「But......」
"No buts. What’s wrong is wrong. Honestly, you stubborn bastards. Can’t you live a little more flexibly and shamelessly? Why can’t you just say, 'You said you’d help me, so why the hell did you take a damn swing at me?’ Why can't you live your life cursing them out for being the ones who screwed up first?”
He couldn't do that. That kindness was just too painful for Faust. It felt as though it might only make his desire to reach for something he had no right to touch grow even stronger, and so he finally shouted.
「They weren’t the only people I killed!」
He had to be a sinner. The boy who had failed to save his family, who had failed to save anyone, had to remain a sinner.
「...Meister, you said that if I hadn’t existed, other people would have been sacrificed as vessels for the Demon, right? But even if that thing changed bodies once a month, that would only be twelve people a year.」
Salvation was something meant for people like Gretchen.
「And in seven years…seven years it would be……」
However, even in the gloomy atmosphere, the boy had to stop speaking because he couldn’t do the math. So in one year it’s twelve, seven times that…it's……
"84. But do you really think only the ones chosen as vessels would have died? You have to count everyone else who would’ve gotten caught up in that thing’s rampage as well.”
「Even if you assume a family of four, that would be a hundred… no, two hundred…….」
"...336."
That was super fast. So this was what made someone the greatest master craftsman in the world and a wizard. Wow.
For a brief moment, Faust unconsciously found himself genuinely impressed even in this heavy atmosphere. Meister caught that flicker of admiration on his face, which made one of his facial muscles twitch slightly.
"So why are you even calculating that?”
「...Ah.」
But he couldn't keep getting sidetracked. Faust barely managed to compose himself after the mood suddenly turned weirdly lukewarm.
「Anyway… Even if I didn’t exist and the Demon used other people as vessels, the number of those sacrificed would only be around 336.」
"Sure. It’s an extremely crude calculator that doesn’t account for how many bystanders might get caught up in each incident, uses nothing but your own guess for the average length of time the Demon could use an incompatible vessel, and ignores variables like murders the Demon might commit while moving around. But roughly speaking, I suppose you could see it that way.”
「...But the number of people I killed to bring this soul here was in the thousands. That many people were deliberately killed and offered as sacrifices to bring Gretchen here!」
Surely this time they were going to despise him. Surely all the excessive mercy and chances the boy had been given would finally be taken away now.
With his heart feeling as though he might end up coughing up blood, the boy confessed even his final sin. I'll die without ever being saved. Unlike my family, who returned to God’s embrace, I’ll sink into eternal despair.
Now that he had even spat out a mortal sin too great to let him even dare to hope for forgiveness, part of his chest felt a bit lighter. It was a relief closer to emptiness, though.
「...So please, just tell me it was my fault. Please don’t deny my sins.」
You know, whenever you say things like that to me, a thought keeps crossing my mind.
Maybe I still have a chance to repent, atone, and return to God’s side. Maybe I could someday reach the place where my family already is as well.
「Please just let it all be my fault.」
But the boy’s hands were already stained far too much with blood and sin.
He could never face his family with hands like these. He couldn’t lift his little sister into his arms, couldn’t press his face against his older brother and sister, and he definitely couldn’t let himself be held by his parents.
He also couldn’t stand beside the only one left, with hair akin to the night sky.
「I’m the bad one……」
So he didn’t need salvation. His life should remain buried forever in the gutter, and then he should leave for somewhere filled with nothing but darkness.
That was the only ending he deserved.
"O Lord……"
But in place of the embrace he could never dare to wish for, the inquisitor pulled the boy into his arms. Even the tears falling from him felt far too gracious, far beyond his worth.
"Why do You place every sin and every pain upon a single person? Why do you burden only this young lamb with such a tremendous trial…..."
"Ah, shit. I want a cigarette. Can I smoke?”
"...Don’t smoke around a kid.”
"He’s probably seen it plenty of times by now.”
"It’s far too late to start setting a good example, so I’ll give up on that. But secondhand smoke is still an issue.”
"You never complained about it in the workshop.”
"I didn’t know anything then.”
He didn’t deserve even that sort of kindness, but…but still, would it be alright to have just this little bit?
After hesitating for a long while, Faust rested his head against the inquisitor’s shoulder. The warmth he didn’t deserve in the slightest slowly seeped down through him.
"...Hey."
That was when Meister, who had been chugging liquor instead of smoking, slammed his cup down with a bang.
"I can’t bring myself to defend this whole sacrificing-people thing either. But damn it…there must’ve been a reason you went that far. Because it looked like that was the only solution you had, right?”
「That alone doesn’t justify my sins……」
"Who said anything about justifying them? This can never be justified. No matter what kind of social agreement you drag into it, what you did was still a crime.”
Even after draining an entire jar of liquor, there wasn’t a hint of a drunken flush on his face.
"But don’t we at least have the right to say it’s unfair? Don’t we have the right to tell people, ‘Are you sure you wouldn't have done the same thing in that situation? Take a look at yourself first before you start pointing fingers’?”
All that remained was clear reason and the venom of a survivor who had made it through hell.
"If we’d been given a choice, neither you nor I would’ve chosen that. What we lacked was an opportunity, not brains.”
「...But who could I…」
"Listen up, you damn brat. Do you think living like that is going to make your life easier? You think taking everyone on yourself, treating yourself like a sinner, and tormenting yourself until the day you croak is going to make you feel any better?"
He filled his cup again and knocked it back in one shot. The sheer force of it all left everyone speechless. Bang.
The cup came down on the table again.
"Absolutely not. Guilt has no bottom. The more you dig, the more there is. The moment you start blaming yourself, every damn tragedy in the world starts feeling like it happened because of you, and all you do is endlessly suffer over and over.”
And over that, Meister’s voice continued, sharp and venomous.
“If you’re going to live like that, then live out of sheer spite instead. Sin? Admit it. That’s why you repent and try to atone. But if someone gives you shit over it, ask them who the hell gave them the right to do that. What? Are they spotless little saints? Are they so sure they could've done better than you? That’s the mindset you should live with.”
Yes. It was unmistakably venomous. The toughness of someone who could put himself first in any moment, whatever he might have to sacrifice to do it.
"Of course. Look at what it took for people like you and me to survive. If we just drop dead here, then what does that make of the people who died or suffered because of us?”
A ferocity built on guilt.
"If you’re going to live with guilt anyway, then live with some poison in you as well. Live determined to accomplish something equal to the weight of all the lives you’re standing on. From the moment you carry someone else’s sacrifice, your life isn’t yours alone anymore.”
「But...」
Faust curled and uncurled his fingers a few times, faced with a mindset he had never once imagined before.
『Let’s be frank. Your life was barely kept going at the cost of thousands of people, with an adult like me getting worn down along the way. It wouldn’t exactly be respectful to cut it short here, now would it?』
Though they had all started from different places, hearing essentially the same thing from them only made his confusion worse. 『Just live. Just stay alive, Fasha……』 The people he admired most and felt most guilty toward had all spoken of the boy’s life. As though they truly were the answer.
"...The persecuted one has confessed his sins, O Righteous One. Forgive the one who pursues righteousness even amid injustice. Blessed are those who take heed of their wrongdoing, for they shall have the nose of God. Blessed are those who repent of their sins, for they shall have the mouth of God. Blessed are those who grieve in life, for they shall have the ear of God……”
As though it truly were alright.
“May salvation come to the one who wandered without a path……”
Drip.
Immediately after the inquisitor gave his prayer in answer to the boy’s confession, the body that had begun to melt as though announcing that its time had come dripped down like a single tear.
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